// not so much
| 10/19/2005 - 5:55 p.m. |

email to Pat, 10-17-05, 5:22pm
i made it to school.
i'm not sure how i might manage to make it until 6pm let alone through the class. or to my writing class tomorrow either, for that matter.
(see #4 below)

my to-do list over the weekend was:
1)Get bank account.

2)Write back to Andrea (she had also left a 'comment' on my myspace page. it began with: "Hey there, my MIA friend!!" let's just say it jarred me for a moment--oh, THAT M.I.A...NOT "Hey there, my bulimic friend!!" lol.)

3 + 4) Linux + WRITING

5) Putty

I scored 1.5--I left a comment on Andrea's page saying yeah, so i owe you a *real* email thing. it's coming. i swear!


yeah so...definitely not ok.

it's amazing how quickly that can trigger old urges: i *would* b/p...but if i had a bad purge, i'd just feel more shitty.

i looked at myself for quick second in a bathroom mirror to adjust my shirt. what i saw was my hips that seem to have widened lately, my fat ass and the damn thighs. that i'm getting 'hippy' again is not an illusion, but otherwise i wasn't particulary troubled the last time i wore these jeans. that would be yesterday.

i was gonna cut, still might. but figured i'd try spilling some blood here first.

i should get a check+++ on some behavior mod worksheet, don't ya think?


...the thing is, it's not "support" i want (not that i necessarily don't either)...it's comfort, affection and She is (obviosly) not here to give it to me. "between a rock and a hard place," as she used to say.
(which always struck me as amusing as it's one of those "old" turns of phrase; hence, it always sounded weird coming from her pink-polished toenailed self)

so that leaves my tweety GIRL (*ahem*: she's WAY too cute to be a boy!!) and our bed. delayed gratification is not my stroing suit...

i have to print a few things out here in the lab, take care of some paperwork (i still haven't *officially* dropped that class), and then i guess we'll see...

m.




reply from pat, 10-18-05, 9:01am
I'm impressed you made it to school. I really didn't think you would but I'm glad to hear it.

You have remained in my thoughts and my heart since we saw each other yesterday. I so understand the desire for comfort and so wish that for you. You deserve at least comfort. I also understand the desire to receive C.'s comfort in particular. I can see and hear how acutely you feel that loss. I would like you to have comfort this week, though. Could your mom offer you some extra TLC this week? Is there something I could offer that would feel more like comfort and less like support?

It's hard to see you in so much pain and I dearly hope you haven't tried to relieve any of it through hurting yourself. If I thought I could protect you from the hurt I would. I just imagine how long you have been a carrying this pain and how it has been weighing you down. I imagine it must seem lame, but I really do believe you will feel better in the end if you can tolerate knowing all parts of your head and heart. I really do believe feeling is better even when it means tolerating the pain. I fear these thoughts are not particularly comforting but I want you to know that I think your pain has purpose and meaning and I believe it will free you in the end.

I'm late for an appointment and regret that I don't have more to offer int this moment. But, please know that I do continue to carry you in my thoughts and heart.

Pat





again to pat, Re: not so much, 10-18-05, 9:35am
Pat,
The words are appreciated. Getting me all teary-eyed again? Not so much.

Yes, I made it to The school. That didn't include going to class. I had some things I needed to print out anyway, I wrote you an email, I wandered around for a while. I stopped at a dollar store on the way home just to waste time, so I would get home at an hour where it seemed like I'd at least been to class for a bit. "I lasted as long as I could," I said. Well, technically true...

Oh, and my mom for the record is, "excited about the job and miserable about everything else" in her life. That would be a direct quote. She again got plastered Sat night over the fuckwit. Blah blah blah.

I don't envision a drive to Lansdale (for class) in my immediate future. But I still have other shit I need to do today, and the general feeling of paralysis I'm having is so not helpful. And I really don't know what else to say...

M.