// bootays survey (3/15)
| 03/28/2005 - 6:59 p.m. |

just a survey i filled out the other day...

Subject: Get yo bootays in here!, You know you want to, uh huh!
Posted: Mar 15 2005, 01:51 PM

hey, just remember, you asked. lol...

Name (or not, if you prefer):
M.


Are you an old-skool TF-er from futurebird?:
yeah, altho not so old-skool that I didn't have to get voted into SS.


What's your ed?:
gonna steal BT's response here --> ED-NOS (in other words, DoneItAll)
during my last go round tho, i insisted i didn't really have an ED at all ("IT'S THE DEPRESSION DAMMIT!"), label me Ednos if you must, but if you call me Anorexic I'll kick your ass.


Recovered? In recovery? Elaborate if you wish:
it seems that at some point in the last year, i did indeed slip into 'recovery'.
it's weird.
not at all like before, when i spent 3-1/2 years very proudly and gung-ho and verbally "in recovery", and "from anorexia" i claimed no less. LMAO.

i guess it's partly b/c i truly don't feel like i ever "relapsed" to begin with.
yeah, i spent 2 years engaging in every symptom under the sun and set personal low weight records and blah, blah, blah--
but the mental stuff, the mind-set, the fucked body image, that stuff never came back.

rather, i was suicidally depressed, convinced of the absolute lack of any hope for ever being otherwise, pissed off that I had ever made these promises to my mom and "the" therapist not to actively off myself--
so what the hell else was i gonna do w/myself? Like duh.

then not-quite-so-intensely-wanting-to-die-24/7 kinda crept up on me.
and the ED-bullshit correspondingly slacked off.
i told them so.
like i said...it's weird.


Married? Dating? Living together?:
professional spinster


Profession? Major at school? Desired profession?:
i have a b.s. in psych. did 1 yr in a clinical doctoral program pre-The-Great-Depression.
currently still-unemployed and clueless.
been taking a few very disparate classes at community college:
computer programming, creative writing, strength training + conditioning.
the writing things is particularly promising, but i dunno...
oh and yeah, i am oddly left-right brain balanced.


Got Kids?:
hah, you're funny.


What's one thing you have always wanted to do?
be a therapist *sigh*...

run a marathon--i can't run 1/2-mile w/o wanting to die, and have finally accepted this body just ain't made for running and stopped torturing myself--but i still think it's the coolest thing...

climb mt. everest...

be multi-lingual (never gonna happen, again i've made peace w/the fact that i'm dumb at languages and that's that)...

have a relationship, any relationship...

and of course, ever since mary lou retton, be an olympic gymnast. heh.


What's your passion in life? What makes you tick?
feminism, progressivism (is that a word?), etc. --> what others term "political" is the closest i come to spirituality.

even in my worst, near-catatonic states, gymnastics can make me feel something.

psych --> what makes *other* people tick. individuals are fascinating phenomenon.

in just the past 6 months, i've gotten into working out again, mostly strength training.
it had been 4 years since i'd so much as lifted a finger.
i'd forgotten how much i love being strong, feeling athletic.
i'm giving serious thought to getting into Powerlifting.
going to check out a meet this weekend, see what it's all about.


What are you afraid of?
depression, depression, depression. not that i'm fully out of this episode even yet, but the idea of "that place" terrifies me like nothing else, always has, always will.

also, people. and phones. and people.

and being a professional spinster *for life*


Guilty pleasure:
smoking (cigarettes, lots of them), soap operas, and um, spanking fiction: dbr, i think i love you, and OMFG i can't believe i'm gonna post this.


Astrological sign, and does it fit you?:
Virgo, and yeah, lot's of it.


If you had to move somewhere outside the US, where would it be?:
i'm always threatening to move to canada.
i think i'd like the netherlands, they seem to have a clue there.
i still think i was born to live in berkeley tho...


How old are you, and do you feel your age?:
27. i often wonder how the hell that happened.
esp. as the-fall-from-grace got me so far off track.
and if you saw me sitting here, cuddling w/ my tweety bird...
at the same time, being fucked-up ages you in a certain way. i get increasingly jaded every day.
and even tho i'm in the best shape of my life, it almost makes me more aware of how much older my body is than my chronological age.