// dizziness
| 10/16/2005 - 6:38 p.m. |

yeah so, i haven't updated in eons. there is no particular reason i'm posting this and now except for procrastination purposes. gotta shake it up sometimes, ya know. i swear, one of these days, i'm gonna type and post all the journaling these last months that never made it to dland. for the sake of the "archives" and all that. hah. what i'm posting now, well, some things just never change...bleh.

...and the reply made me, like, cry. motherfuckinA.



email to pat, Subject: watch you don't get dizzy..., Sent Sat, 10/15/05, 4:51pm
(...and don't expect this to make any sense)

~~~~~

i have no idea if what i said was the absolute truth or complete bullshit. only that the whole thing makes my head hurt.

"i don't know what i'm doing here half the time anyway," i hear myself say.

where the FUCK did THAT come from?!?

then again, why was i being so...so weird (for lack of the word i actually mean) just then. "i don't care...just cancel it...whatever." not even the words so much, but that attitude--did i really sound like the brat i think i did??

I DON'T CARE. like SO crucial that i make that CRYSTAL clear. and out of nowhere.

i really, really, really hate that word.

"care"

*shudder*

it's so common. and meaningless...and loaded nonetheless. makes my head hurt. more.

fuck, words in general are making my head hurt right now. they're making about as much sense as feelings.

*shudder*

...it's all about her. isn't it always. when will it ever STOP.

and it's been all about her. well, that's where the nightmare started anyway.

did i tell you that? rhetorical question. i know i didn't. i didn't realize i'd finally admitted it to myself even--until i heard myself say it to Rosenberg the last time i saw her.

shit, the things that come out of my mouth.

how many times have i denied it? how couldn't i--the idea that She, who i so loved, *adored* really, who had *saved* my life, then put those first cracks in it's foundation...in the life that eventually...crumbled...to put it mildly.

how could she DO that to ME? how could SHE do THAT to me? yes, i was THAT vulnerable to her.

i need to find that book, A Shining Affliction. i had said, if you remember, that you could borrow it, but i haven't been able to find it in this trash dump sinch i finished reading it again...

there are so many things about the intensity of that relationship, how badly it cut me when she left (or for me, more obviously, in the months of knowing she was going to leave), that i don't know how to describe it in a way that does justice to it. esp. in contrast to our current status (whatever the hell it is)--i feel like it sounds so one-sided. and it wasn't. it wasn't "balanced" obviously, but it WAS mutual. it was REAL. i WAS "special," she genuinely loved me, and...and, my words remain inadequate...

point is, that book, while the details of her experiences are different, the emotional terrain she amazingly manages to articulate, is so IT. yes, that's IT! and of all the 9,394 therapy-related books i've read, nothing else has come remotely close to *getting* it.

of course there were more contributions to my meltdown than i have stuffed tweeties, but that's where it all began....

My Tweety: how do i explain? she was like a third member of our relationship ya know. i brought her to EVERY session. i gave C. one just like mine. she used it as a stint(?) when she was recovering from surgery. before that (or maybe after??), when it was in her office, i had a fucking conniption when she mentioned one time that some kid had played with it...there was so much more me in that office, even: the first thing i ever gave her--a tweety cross-stitch that said "i wuv you"; the little lighthouse figurine; the calendar; the kangaroo beanie baby; probably more...she often wore the scarf i bought her one xmas at a tibetan store...

i'm not sure why i'm thinking of all that right now--no, more like, i do know why, but i don't understand the why?? i really hadn't thought about those things in a long time. yesterday, when i first came in and went to get my putty, there was a card sitting on the bookshelf. it was open just enough that i could read "Hi Tacie! I've really missed you!" and I felt this flare of bitter jealousy. i wasn't even particularly jealous of the other people Tacie worked with when I was AT Renfrew, even though we were all like little groupies. so again, what the fuck?! and then i sat down and noticed these little trinkets on the table for the first time (well, maybe not the first, but you know how observant i am), some mickey mouse thing and i forget what else. and it pissed me off. i have no idea whose they are or where they came from, but it pissed me off regardless.

this is all just peripheral to the thoughts in my head, but black and white are in a knock-down, drag-out and i don't know what's what.

there seems to be a general theme of missing HER vs. missing certain FEELINGS connected to her. and then, is it a missing those feelings, and want them back (in some form)?? Or just missing them, knowing the past is the past and should stay that way. and the latter is what makes *sense* to me, but when you're missing someone or something, how can you possibly tell the difference?

and this has turned into a LETTER. it's not a journal entry, and it never was, and who the fuck did i think i was kidding?? out of the chaos in my head, i clearly hear, "DON"T SEND IT. you Idiot, i said DO.NOT.SEND.IT." as if i have such self-control. but i used to write her letters all the time, see. like 10 page long ones, on *average* but, wait, no, this is an email right? yes, not a letter, an email!! not the same thing at all.

oh, fuck it...



--
But in a cleaner light, it's ok. <-- [my email signature]



reply from Pat, Subject: not dizzy at all, received Sun, 10/16/05
M.,

I may find it difficult to find the words as well, but here goes... I want you to know how deeply touched I felt reading your email. I feel cautious making too much a fuss, for fear you'll regret sending it. I found that you made a great deal of sense in very profound ways. I hear pain, confusion, ambivalence. I hear the struggle to move forward, understanding and grieving where you've been. I hear the love you have felt, the openness you risked, and the loss you are trying to make sense of now. I hear the ambivalence with risking trust again. I feel thankful that you did decide to send the email. I appreciate your trusting me with your raw thoughts and emotions. I hope it does feel okay in a "cleaner light". Thank you.

See you tomorrow! (had to throw one ! in)

Pat