// fuck the apple
| 11/04/2005 - 2:36 p.m. |

I hate crying like that. Especially in the presence of another person. I hate crying at ALL in front of other people--but bawling, making those strangled sobbing sounds that you can't keep quiet no matter how hard you try? AWFUL^^infinity.

I was already crying pretty hard during the session. I didn't cry at ALL w/ Pat for so long. was in my own way proud of that fact. But lately it seems like its all i do. Still not comfortable with it for sure, but i guess i've passed that point of fighting it so much, of even being able to.

I was feeling REAL shitty. No idea how i was gonna pull myself together. And then i just about totally lost it when she asked if she could give me a hug.

Oh wait, i DID totally lose it. Just managed to get out the door first. Barely. Then the next door...and then slumped down at the top of the steps and began wailing. And she obviously heard and how couldn't she--when I blubber, I blubber Loud. And she came out and sat next to me and put her arm around me and I was glad I guess and mad and scared that I was glad. Why in the hell did I ever want to be a therapist anyway? The whole thing fucking sucks.

Comparatively, by the time I left for real, I was "ok" I guess. Able to breath thru my nose again at least! Calmer, by default. Began trying my hardest to block out what got me all worked up anyway, and if I don't think too hard its already pretty fuzzy. I mean besides the fact that it was all about C. But isn't everything? *evil glare*

...trusting vs. "feeling close" was it? Two very different things. One is more or less welcome. The other...truly the devil.

...Tempting, taunting, making it sound so nice and wondrous and idealic. IT'S NOT. There is always a price to pay. Figuratively AND Literally *cough* Yet knowing that, it doesn't make the damn apple stop dangling. Which in turn can't always keep your rational side quiet, and round and round and...round it goes...

Fuck the apple, Therapy can bite me.



email to Pat, Fri, 11-4-05, 2:58pm, Subject: so i did write a little...blah.
pasted from dland...

[all of the above]