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// past and present...
| 12/22/2005 - 4:19 p.m. |

email to C., 12-22-05, 1:43pm
As usual, this was written in multiple sittings...

Fri, 12/16/05

Dear C.,

Well, hey. Long time, no email, eh? I know, I even skipped a holiday! (Belated Happy Thanksgiving, btw! heh)...

There's more 'complicated' reasons for that than 'usual'...And I'm still sorta hesitant to write about it, 'afraid' that you'll take it the wrong way(s) or something. But, I figure, I don't want to miss another holiday :) So bear w/ me, if you would, it will surely take a few volumes for me to fully explain (or attempt to).

...So before I get to that--how the heck are ya? I imagine this time of yr, you're in hyper-Xmas-preparation mode--how many of what are you knitting this year? Heh. I remember you once told me of knitting at traffic lights, so I hope you're keeping your eyes on the road! And also taking some time to relax and enjoy and all that.

So, I've been dealing w/ some "stuff" in therapy. Part of the reason its been a tough fall for me. (Another being that insurance refuses to pay for my goddamn provigil, the fuckers!) One of the things is I realized that I never did "deal" with your move--not *really*. (Insert requisite its-been-five(!)-fucking-years-get-over-it)

I've been looking at old journals a lot. Remember reading one entry from several weeks before our last goodbye where I write that you said I'm not dealing w/ it and its gonna backfire, and I agreed on both counts but didn't know what else I was supposed to do.

And backfire it did, and I've only realized recently just how much and how big the consequences. B/c I have *finally* figured out where 'everything' started and it was there. A full yr before the first clearly visible signs of my impending meltdown. And there were many more contributors along the way, but yeah--that was the true beginning of the avalanche.

Mon, 12/19/05

...I can see now how I just never did actually "mourn" or "deal" or whatever you want to call it. The idea of it perhaps, but never the reality. The "idea" that you were leaving--well, you know how hard I took it, how utterly devastated I was. And then, if you remember, you basically kicked my ass, yanked me out of my self-pity, etc.

Or maybe not. From then on, I more or less *outwardly* dealt, as in semi-pulled myself together, trying to be strong...probably for you as much as me. And we did our long goodbyes and I thought, wow, I survived. Ok. Fine. It's over.

Well, hardly. Rather, I simply pretended that no aftermath even existed, let alone coped w/ it. And thus the beginning of the great set-up, leading to the greatest fall.

Perhaps there were ways in which I surfacely appeared to continue processing and such. I mean, there must have been, right? I couldn't have gone *that* deeply into denial *that* quickly?

But beyond that, I *never* really talked about it again, not to *anyone*, not in any meaningful way. For years. About a relationship and events that went SO deep...

Wed, 12/21/05

...And yet, it is still hard for me not to get down on myself for not having just gotten OVER it already. Even tho I know that does no good. Even tho "everyone else" (i.e. Pat, Dr. Rosenberg, and even Tacie, who I still get to chat w/ when I go to frew to see Dr. R.) tells me it makes perfect sense. And either way, the fact is I haven't. And its been weighing me down all this time.

I think its also accounted for some of the "drama" between us in recent years:
that fantasy I had of working w/ you again;
starting even before that, the way I kept dumping on your lap every ugly detail of how sick I was--motivated now I realize by again the fantasy that you would somehow save me (from myself).
And how the harder I pushed, the further you withdrew, the warier you became.

That latter dynamic is one of things that makes me worry you will take this all the wrong way, think this is more of me being "clingy" or something, and withdraw even further. And while the distinction may appear blurry, thats not it at all.

It's complicated of course. The emotional distance that *I* created (in a mislead attempt to do the opposite) still saddens me. I have now, as I'm writing this, gotten all sniffly and teary-eyed (finally. I knew it would happen eventually. Progress perhaps that it took so long!) I do still miss you.

Yet, practically speaking, I've stopped leaning on you. I don't *need* to go to *you* w/ every little thing, or every big thing even. (Although I certainly do miss your insights and perspective.) I have a therapist. It's not you. And I'm no longer compelled to put you in a position where yo feel you're stepping on anyone's toes as you used to say. In many ways, I've even come to accept how 'absent' you are from my life.

I don't love it, mind you. I wish you didn't feel so far away. I wish I hadn't played the part in that I did. I wish we could go back to that relative balance we had before everything went to shit. When we were connected in a way that felt significant as well as ok to us both...where I hypothetically could have visited you and we coulda had lunch maybe and laughed and talked--and it wouldn't be, well, whatever it was the 2 times I did visit you so long ago. I *wish* a lot of things, but I can mostly *accept* what IS and IS NOT.

But it's really all the PAST shit and feelings, the *events* to a greater extent even that you specifically that I'm trying to find some way to be at peace with and actually *move on*.


Well, I just finished typing all of the above. I feel like I stopped in the middle of something when I put my journal down yesterday, but I can't at the moment connect to what. I guess, I think, I've covered most of it.

And why am I telling you all this? Well, b/c it seems "wrong" somehow, to/for me, not to. I'm not asking anything of you really. Of course, I would *like* to hear any response you might have, any rememberences, any questions even. But if you wish not to share any of that, that's ok too. Like, for instance, you could still respond to this email and say hey and give me an update regardless ;)

Um, other stuff...my mom finally got a job! And one that its seems to have been worth the wait for. This actually happened a few months ago, but I had just sort of "stumbled" upon all of the above "stuff" and never got around to emailing ya...

I'm doing my best to keep my head above water. It's been tough. The depression is probably the worst its been in a while *sigh* (and my body image is in the toilet), but I'm eating and fighting the best I can...I'm taking the Advanced Creative Writing class again next term. My recent state of mind hasn't been so conducive to creativity, so I'm looking forward to some structure giving me a boost and getting back to working on my maybe-book...

Oh and I did take the first step to the judging thing! Took the safety certification class, would be more accurately called Risk Management. And I've got the books to study for the actual judging test. But I really do need me some provigil to have a shot at being able to effectively study. I had to switch presciption plans, and as I noted earlier, they're being assholes. SO, I am currently awaiting receipt of my order from a Canadian pharmacy...And I've continued to sell books and stuff online. It's not much but I've made enough money to actually open a bank account again! Woah. Well...

Xmas Hugs and Bestest of Wishes,


cue me, crying. not sure at what even, or what emotion(s) tears are expressing.
maybe its just the auto-reaction thing i have..

reply from C., 2:55pm
Dear M.,

It has been a long time! It is always a mixed thing to hear from you. News of you and from you is always welcome, sometimes saddening, and often worrying.

Mostly, I have worried about your reasons for writing and about your struggles moving on. It does feel very good to know that you are in solid and capable hands and that you are getting what you need from the people most able to help and support you.

I have not always known how to respond to your emails, or how to maintain a benign, distant support role. I am sorry that you have had to struggle with this so much and that I have been so unhelpful.

I hope that you will take this the right way when I say that you sound good and strong. I realize that you may not feel that way, but it comes through (kind of like observing an increase in stature in a kid that you have not seen in a long while). I am grateful for how far you have come and for your hard work and that of those helping to care for you. I hope that you can see your way clear to an easier future.

It has been a busy time for me. On the happy side, there has been my daughter's wedding. On the sad and stressful sides, there were illness scares for me (now mostly resolved) and end of life stuff with my parents and in-laws. Work is interesting, as always, and yes, I am still doing the Martha Stewart nonsense (which gets nuts with 100 inpatient staff). I don't remember knitting at traffic lights, but it doesn't sound too far-fetched!

Hang in there. I hope and pray that you will be well and be happy.

Warm wishes for a Merry Christmas and a healthy and peaceful New Year.


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