// maybe
| 06/24/2003 - 8:19 p.m. |

6:10pm�I feel eerily calm at the moment. It�s not that the anger, fear, etc. isn�t there at all, but it�s just not penetrating or something. Sort of shut-down I guess, but the �eerily calm� is really the best description. Just got home from a nice little show-down session. My main thought on the short drive home was: do you really think you�re that important to me? Just because I�ve admitted you/this matter doesn�t mean it�s to the level that I couldn�t quite cavalierly walk out the door for good.

So I got more ultimatums than I could even keep track of. Pretty little threats to quit. I kept thinking about that FL thread about it seeming like it�s practically illegal to be �anorexic.� The �rights� issue aside even, it�s NOT my personal irrational judgment about where my weight is. I�ve never claimed my weight to be in a �healthy range� even 10 or so pounds higher, but if you�re going to be arbitrary at least recognize already established arbitrary criteria.

Blah. The immediate question is in regards to the doc appt on Thursday. I swear one of the first things I said was I�ll �eat� a bit, at least maintain my weight for the next few days, and see where Davis determines my health to be at. Shot down and then co-opted, I�m more than a little tempted not to go. I DID however transfer an ensure from freezer to fridge when I walked in the door and will start in on it in a few minutes, so I guess I�m leaning towards �complying� for the moment. Couldn�t really help myself though in muttering �Maybe� on the way out the door though when D. said she�d see me Thursday.

7:20pm�Finished the stupid ensure. Out smoking now. Don�t really know what to do next, food or otherwise. There was a lot more to the session and I never wrote about yesterday�s as I meant to, but whatever. Overload or something. And I�m supposed to talk to my mom about what�s going on, can�t deal with that either.

I had an ensure thing yesterday, and still lost a pound [yeah, I know it was still hardly anything, but with me fasting and my generally fucked-up metabolism, etc., you never know and I was genuinely surprised] SO I should probably have something else IF I am indeed going to tow-the-line here. Not like I�m not hungry obviously. Reading my old journals these past days, I�ve been jonesing for nearly every food mentioned [save the *really* gross shit I had to consume at times at Hopkins; ahhh, don�t get me started on my renewed pissiness at that place]. My thoughts at the moment range from various liquid options (more ensure, soup, hot chocolate, etc.) to breaking the fast with a b/p to a binge-no-purge (would serve certain purposes if I could handle it) to even *gasp* eating some reasonably normal amount of some reasonably normal food. Quite undecided.

I still have a very strong inclination to do some serious fuck-you-ing. The thought of just getting in my car and leaving and driving and going to where-I-have-no-idea is a pleasing one. Many and other vague thoughts/fantasies, no particular pull to any.

*Noting again to self how NOT worked up at all I am*

I guess, yeah, I obviously knew to some extent this was coming. It nevertheless felt quite sudden to me, hit me not adequately prepared. And though I don�t exactly know what a more effective strategy would be or if there is one, this approach feels to serve no end to me but alienation in every possible way.

Even if I understand her stance, I don�t much respect it.

It�s the same old theme that I am simply too much and not enough.