// telling the tale
| 07/23/2003 - 1:32 p.m. |

*referring to last entry...some older journal entries and emails to C...08/17/2001-4/30/2002*


08-17-2001, 7pm (first night in CA)
...I�M HERE!...Can�t quite believe I LIVE here...Goddess, it is beautiful here�and at the moment pretty chilly�fine with me, gotta wear clothes that cover, oh darn. I am totally starting this new life and I am so nervous and excited and just plain wired yet also calmed by this beautiful view. Six years ago I left home to start a new life too and it didn�t turn out so fabulous. That thought keeps creeping up on me. Unpleasant as it may be though I think it is good to keep in mind, check myself against, remind me of where I came from and where it is that I want to go. This is for real, it�s not a dream or my fantasy life. And it will be as good as I make it...


Mon, 10-01-2001, 8pm, email to C.--Subject: settling in�
...Been thinking lately about my freshman year in college and GW and all that. Having finally taken another shot at "leaving home," I keep checking myself, wondering if I'm going to be ok this time around, if I'll be able to recognize if things aren't going well, admit it to myself if I'm not as happy as I claim to be. Its not that I feel right now like there is something wrong. School is good, I feel like I've met some people, esp. J. and A., who could be really good friends, eating is normal, etc. Its just that last time I told myself, convinced myself, and everyone else that everything was great, I was fine, and of course it was all bullshit. Am I strong enough now to take care of myself? Do I have the self-awareness to know if I were not ok, no matter how much I wished otherwise? Would I be healthy enough to do something about it other then self-destructing?...


Tues, 11-13-2001, 7:37pm, email to C.--Subject: hey�
...Been meaning to write you for like a week now, and kept getting distracted by something or other. School is truckin along pretty well, the weeks between Thanksgiving and winter break will be intense...

...So between feeling lonely, and adjusting to all the changes in my life, and the stress of school, etc., I was just fighting to stay afloat and avoid sinking into depression. The past week has been better, but I'm still kinda up-and-down mood-wise, and tho I am doing my best to take care of myself, I keep having these dreams, both sleeping and day, about being anorexic. Its not triggering really, just disturbing in the fact that they are oddly comforting, and frustrating cuz I want to get over that last hurdle to being "recovered" and I keep coming up short or something...Ugh, I'm totally doing that mind-fucking thing to myself aren't I???...


Tues, 12-04-2001, 7:34pm, email to C.--Subject: hi, my name is *freaking out*�
...Not sure whether I want to scream or cry or just run away myself right now. I was managing I thought to keep my anxiety level about school just under the panic point--until this morning when my Principles of Psychotherapy professor gave us our take-home final...a 15-20 page paper due in one week!!! Is she out of her fucking mind?!?! Everyone in the class was pretty upset about it, but no one said anything then, we just kind of sat there and stared at her and she just moved on to lecture and then booked out at the end of class (a 3 hour class and she also "forgot" to give us a break) before anyone could talk to her. Me, I'm sitting there just internally FREAKING out the whole time. I already didn't know how I was going to get all my shit done. I think there is some kind of group protest in the works but at this point, I still plan on asking her for an Incomplete so I can do the final over break, because its really just too much for me to even think about...

I definitely need to find a therapist out here when I come back from break because my anxiety and moods and other junk is getting in the way of me performing academically and otherwise as well as I can, and now that its finals/hell time, threatening to keep me from performing at all. (I also have to do at least 45 hours anyways, since the CSPP elitists don't consider an MSW sufficient to meet the requirement-ugh, it offends me on both our behalfs!) That whole prospect in itself is anxiety-provoking too of course, but there is not much at the moment that doesn't make my stomach ache and my bed call...

Shit, I really miss you right now...I also feel really crappy about dumping my misery on you, but its just kinda tumbling out of its own accord at the moment!...*Sigh*...


Wed, 01-09-2002, 12:06pm, email to C.--Subject: forgive me?
...I'm really, really sorry about being rude, melodramatic, and basically freaking out on you. Please 8-} forgive me? I haven't really been in the best state of mind, depression is kickin my ass a bit right now. I do have an appointment with a therapist next week, so we'll see how that goes....


Mon, 01-14-2002, 1:41, email to C.--Subject: all things are temporary + this too shall pass�right??
...Well, I'm still struggling and still not getting any work done (like the final for the class I took the incomplete in or the first draft of my dissertation proposal due the first day of class next week). My concentration capacity, at least for anything requiring thought and writing (email tires me out), is zilch, as is my motivation at this point.

I am also supposed to be doing my applications for next year's practicum. There was a panel discussion this morning about the process and there is a faire this afternoon and tomorrow. I was sitting there this morning, just thinking ok, canNOT deal with this right now, and I decided right then and there to go moderated (kinda between full-time and part-time) after this term (assuming I start feeling better soon? my load isn't too bad for this upcoming term), which means I would be taking next year off from practicum. So bye-bye 4 year plan (only like 25% of students finish in 4 years anyway, basically all the ones that are so on top of their shit, they seem like aliens to me)...


01-25-2002
So I guess it�s about fuckin time I picked this journal back up. I�ve been depressed for nearly 2 months now. It�s bad. I�m not eating and I don�t really care about that or much of anything. I�ve started therapy again. D. seems nice and cool and whatever, but I don�t particularly want to talk to her or anyone or let anyone in or even near. Call her? Nothing personal, but I think not. Trying to remember how long I was working with C. before I called her. Don�t know exactly, but it was definitely sometime beyond those first 6 months. And yeah I miss her and yes I wish I could see her and as usual her emails and our connection is the only thing and she�s the only person that brings me any real comfort. Well, �cept for tweety *heart*�So I feel like hell. And I keep thinking of Martha Manning�s book, the scene where goes down the depression checklist�
Depressed mood? *check*
Loss of interest or pleasure? *check*
Weight loss/decreased appetite? *check*
Hypersomnia? *check*
Psychomotor agitation or retardation? Not so much�definitely move slower for me, but it�s debatable
Fatigue/loss of energy? *check*
Worthlessness (-->YES!)/guilt? Hmmm, maybe, it�s relative
Concentration problems? *double check*
Thoughts of death, suicidal ideation? Not severe, but *check*
7 yeses, 2 maybes�hey, better than Martha! Or whatever�


01-28-2002
I�m getting more scared by the day. I feel in serious danger of completely fucking things up, throwing everything away. And I don�t understand why. After all this time and all the work I�ve done, why can�t I seem to stop from self-destructing? I mean really�what in the hell am I doing? And for what possible reason? Where did all of my strength and wisdom and passion GO�cuz I feel none of it, see none of it. I don�t know what I�m doing or why, I just know I feel trapped. I don�t know what is the depression anymore and what is because I�m starving myself. I mean really�restriction my ass�I am starving myself. And dammit I knew that very first day how stupid and dangerous it was to play around with this. I fucking KNEW that and went there anyway. What is WRONG with me? And what do I do about it? Shit, I am so sick of having so many questions and no fucking answers�And btw, I miss C. :(


03-04-2002
A month later and still haven�t �come back to life.� It�s pretty pathetic really. Talked to C. for nearly 90 minutes on Saturday, 2 days ago, and even that doesn�t seem to have helped a whole lot. She was worried, hearing how �resistant� I am right now, and I�m worried too, but not enough I guess. She talked about taking action and �asking� for what I need and I heard her and know she is right, but fuck it, I don�t wanna�that�s still where I�m at. I mean, give D. the �power� to help me?�YIKES! I am just in such a bad place mentally, I feel like I�ve regressed a lot, and I know C. was wondering where that strong, risk-taking, determined, hard-working person she knows is. So am I. And I hate that I�m not living up to that person, the one C. loves and respects, but I just feel so stuck and lost and out of touch. I want us both to be proud of me and I sure as hell ain�t right now. I�m downright ashamed, which I know isn�t helping me any, isn�t particularly motivating me to make the necessary changes, but I can�t seem to get past it. Fuck me!


03-16-2002
Too much going on in my head to focus on schoolwork, so I�m gonna try something new�attempt to deal with it. It�s been a long time since I could come to my journal and just speak�uncensored. I don�t know why or when exactly I stopped letting it all out here and I don�t think I can necessarily do it now, but I will try to push myself closer to that at least. Somewhere along the way in the past year or so, post-C. basically, I stopped paying attention, really paying attention, to what was going on inside�to the painful stuff, to the old fears and hurts and questions. I guess I thought if I was doing and accomplishing the things I wanted to, then I was doing enough�I was being real enough, and taking care of myself enough, and pushing enough. But I wasn�t�that much is clear. I wasn�t immune from relapse, my potential for craziness did not disappear, the old pain that goddammit I thought I�d dealt with, was OVER it, only went into hiding. The thing is I still feel like the old stuff is over and done, and perhaps that is why I�m having such difficulty having any compassion for myself. Not that the �Issues� just magically go away, I know that, but all the things I could point to before and clearly identify as triggers, I did the work on them, goddess knows I did. But now I feel like there is no such clear-cut explanations, it�s just me and my internal fucked-upness, just that nagging sense that there is something fundamentally, permanently WRONG with me. I don�t feel entitled to my pain itself, so I sure as hell don�t feel entitled to help in dealing with it. Yeah, I�m mind-fucking myself, but it is an unavoidable fact�I FEEL unworthy...

...Been reading through all the emails between C. and I as I put them together in the book I�m making. I was real scared that what is happening right now would happen, GW take II. But this is not GW. I am not an 18-year-old running as far away from myself as I can get. I am very clear about why I am out here in CA, this IS what I want. Yeah, I see that I had been slacking a bit lately in terms of being turned in to myself, but I�m not faking who I am, I�m not clueless about the fact that the path I�m on is a direct route to hell. Shit, I�ve lived and survived the years since then, learned things one just can�t forget and go back into denial about. What is the same is that I left �home� with high hopes and proceeded to essentially fall apart.

Home back then was the whole reason I was running so hard. This time around, well it wasn�t exactly Eden, but it was safe and familiar and protective and predictable. And while homesick ain�t my thing, clearly there is something about leaving the known and asserting my independence that on some level triggers me. I�ve never really felt the direct link, but well, it�s starting to become a pattern it would seem. Shit I�m scared. And I use that word way too much, but the English language just isn�t sufficient in expressing feelings of fear�scared, afraid, frightened�too calm sounding. Terrified, panicked�better, but sound so melodramatic on one hand and yet still not strong enough either. There just aren�t words enough to describe the all-encompassing sense of dread that all of my time and work and effort�my whole LIFE�ain�t worth shit cuz there is just something unfixably broken in me, that while not obvious, nonetheless means that everything I want to do and be will always remain beyond my grasp. Whether I�m Crazy or Just Not Good Enough or Undeserving or whatever, that I�m stuck on an endless ride to Nowhere. It�s not self-pity, just indescribable FEAR.


Tues, 04-30-2002, 8:31am, email to C.--Subject: a dreary non-update
Hi...
Not sure why I'm even bothering to write, I have nothing new to say. I really can not ever remember feeling THIS bad for THIS long with NO RESPITE. And the past 3 or 4 days have been the worst yet, the depression even more suffocating, which I didn't think was even possible. And not a damn thing is helping. I feel like the person I was 5 months ago doesn't even exist anyone, poof!-gone forever, *no hope* of bringing her back... Well, now that I've added my dose of joy to your day...um, yeah... --the body formerly known as M.