// un-loved and undone.
| 11/14/2005 - 6:39 p.m. |

mon, 11-14-05, 4:30pm
(school parking lot)

this already feels too much like last week.
this coming to school from therapy, but w/ nothing to do until my class @ 6--its not good.
somehow all by itself triggers these feelings, this emptiness.
and loneliness.
and all the rest.

and i know in writing, it only seems to make it worse, but its the only time during my week i feel any sort of push to pick up my journal.
like i still get to c.h. w/ a 1/2-hr or so to spare, but i just waste the time playing monopoly.


...i feel fantastically fat today.
i still can't believe i'm this big.
like its a natural weight for me or something.
like since fucking when?
when i was @ du and a size 1, i was healthy and not restricting.
little was my normal.
this sucks.

yet i feel so disconnected from it, my body.
just like i do from everyone, everything.
i'm so tired of it--
the weight, literally and metaphorically;
the sadness;
the longing;
the nothingness that is my brain and my life.


...i miss her dammit.
and it always comes back to that.
and thats what i'm most sick and tired of.

just all-around so tired of hurting.


...why is it i feel so un-loved?
i mean they are what they are, but i do at least have family that i know love me.
but i don't, or can't, or won't feel it.
an since there is NOT anyone outside of them, i don't feel any love at all.

and isn't that what life is really all about when it comes down to it?
that's what people say.
obviously, i wouldn't know.

...fuck this, i'm going home.
i can't spend the next hr. sinking deeper into self-pity again.
get me to my tweety--at least i know she loves me.
--4:45pm



Who do you need?
Who do you love?
When you come undone.
~Duran Duran