// my life in emails to my 2 fave people
| 05/21/2002 - 9:02 a.m. |

**email to C. 5/15:

Hi there,
So I just don't know what to do and I am so, so, SO scared. Being "home" is not helping--if possible, I am feeling worse. I spend just about my entire day on the computer, mostly hanging out at a particular message board group. I guess this is helpful in that it IS a supportive community and distracts me from my persistent, overwhelming wish that I were dead, but its not getting me any less stuck. I haven't even told any of my friends that I am here, let alone talked to or seen them, and I don't want to. My aunt c. and I are barely talking, certainly not communicating. I have seriously lost hope of getting out of this, continuing to try seems utterly pointless and requiring much more energy than I possess. But some time ago, I made a commitment, in my head anyway, to you and my family especially, not to kill myself, and I have no intention of breaking it. So I feel then that I am facing an unending future of horrific nothingness, uselessness, helplessness, hopelessness, purposelessness, and I am so far beyond terrified. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. No one really gets it. You are the only person I know that *might* not piss me off and trigger me to totally shut down just by trying to talk to me. I know that you completely do not have time to deal with me, and I have no idea how you could help, but...my life, my brain, EVERYTHING is completely out of control and I still don't know how this possibly could have happened and I AM SO GODDAMN FUCKING SCARED AND I FEEL PARALYZED...and unlucky you are the only person I even marginally trust anymore...can you help me? at all? am i even helpable?...i'm sorry, i love you, i miss you, and I'm gonna stop rambling now...

**email to aunt c. 5/15 (re: just hi):

hi...
hmmm, yeah, I miss my smile too...
so, I didn't really explain to you why I was so upset Sun, but I'll try--you and uncle j. and your house have been the closest thing I've had to a "home" these last years. But the fact is its not my home, I don't have a home, there is no where i really belong, nowhere that I'm not a visitor, that my presence is not conditional. And thats just one more thing to be depressed/in pain about. I hurt too much right now, I can't take anymore, and avoidance is one of the few skills I have left...
love,
me

**email to aunt c. 5/18 (re: a few more thoughts):

Um, I have J.'s wedding on Sunday @ 4:30, but perhaps I could drive down Thurs and stay until I have to leave for the wedding? As for everything else, well, all I know right now is what I *feel*, and I know you mean well, but I don't need it analyzed, nor am I really in a space to process on an intellectual level. All I really want is to feel safe and a little less alone...
Oh, and as for my mom, I don't really get why she even has to enter into this. If I want/need her to back off, I tell her--why do I feel like I have to be the go-between for everyone else too?? If she invites herself to your house, then UN-invite her, but don't make it my issue--I have enough of my own, thanks, heheh...
Anyways,
love you-
me

**email to C. 5/20 (too intense for words):

>What is your plan? It seems to me that you have no other choice but to find someone--a psychiatrist, a therapist--out there whom you can see with a fair amonut of intensity until you can turn this thing around. Are you willing to do that? I would be happy to try to help you locate someone good.

>Let me know. Hugs to you (and a spirited, loving kick).

No, I don't have a plan. I was thinking that I would do anything you told me to. But now I'm sitting here thinking, how can that possibly help? I'm only scheduled to be here for 3 more weeks, so whats the point? I mean, I had already been seeing D. for 4 months before I left for break, and still can't fucking talk to her. Of course, I don't know what the point of *anything* is. And fuck, I've already been here for 2 weeks, and have absolutely NOTHING to show for it. I can't even comprehend going back to ** and facing my so-called life, but what else am I going to do??? I can't comprehend anything anymore...

>Aunt c. has always been a solid soul--I suspect that she still is even with her frustration and anger and your reaction to her frustration and anger.

Yes, my aunt c. is still solid. We are talking now, trying to work things through, and I will mostly like spend a couple of days in ** this weekend. But again, what can really she do??

>I'm too far away and too out of touch to be of any help other that to offer words of concern

I KNOW this, I DO. So why did I burst in tears when I read that??? Why am I still hysterically sobbing??? Why do I feel like that confirmation is the last straw, that I AM OFFICIALLY A LOST CAUSE??? I know this is totally unfair to you, and pathetic and delusional on my part, but I just sit here feeling like I'm DYING, my heart aching for you--like somehow, if you could be with me, if you could just hug me for a really long time, it would be ok. But you can't and I HATE you for that, I HATE you for how ridiculously attached I fucking STILL am to you.

I don't know what else to say. There simply are NO words to describe...

**email to C. 5/20 (*deep breath*):

First, sorry for freaking out on/at you in my last email. I promise I am calmer now. My meltdown did last through receiving your 2nd email yesterday, but a few things have happened since that have taken the immediate edge off:

1-My mom called and suggested I at least consult, regarding my meds, with her psychiatrist, whom she really likes, and she says also has some experience with EDs. She is going to try and set up an appt for me when she sees her therapist at the same office tomorrow. So as I don't have to actually DO anything but show up, why the hell not? The name is ** ** (a male, so blah, but I'll deal). Ever heard of him??

2-I got a letter from D. (snail mail) that was really nice, actually. I had written her a long letter during my plane ride home, to get stuff off my chest, make a few confessions, say some of the stuff that I just couldn't get out in person, etc. (You know the drill :-P) As I was pretty sure she hated me when I left, lol, it was nice to get a response at all, let alone a really in-depth, positive one that actually gave me some hope that things could work between us.

and 3-Just sat on the couch with my aunt j. for a couple hrs, watching tv, and that helped me pull a little farther back from the edge. I needed a physical presence, some affection, and to not have to talk, and it felt good to get it.

Soooo...
a-Having gotten that letter from D., it makes more sense to me I think to return to ** as intended, even if I can't quite fathom at this time dealing with some things, and continue working with her. Your opinion???

b-I'm confused by what you meant here:
>If I were in a position to see you in that capacity, I would.
Don't know quite what capacity you are referring to??...I guess I've been a bit vague myself, and obviously things are complicated between us, but for the record, I was talking about my feeling of love/hate (they are really so very similar! heheh) for, and my faith in the magical powers of :-P, YOU, who/whatever it is that you are to me, but not you-in-the-therapist-role really. So--do you have any idea what I'm talking about??? lol...

Would you believe I've written this whole thing w/o shedding a single tear?? Seriously some kind of record for me! No promises about my emotional state tomorrow tho, heheh

Hugs, thanks, and MUCH more love than hate :-),
Me