// no way out
| 05/26/2002 - 9:56 a.m. |

Well, I had a couple of less-than-completely-horrible days...so you know that couldn't last. Came to cm on Thurs, and have eaten "normally" AND not taken any ECA since I got here. So besides feeling like I am expanding by the min (at least I was smart enough to leave my scale in p.), my starvation-induced numbness had worn off by Friday afternoon, at which point I physically crashed as well. I slept for about 13 hours, woke up at noon on Sat, within a few hrs fell asleep on the couch, went to bed at 10pm and slept till nearly 10 this morning. I'm supposed to be going to J's wedding today, supposed to be leaving pretty soon actually, but I'm not. On one hand I feel really bad, and on the other I just don't care.

I wish that I could stop time. If I could have one superpower, that would be it. Because this depression is just dragging on and on and on, and I don't know what to do about it. **I don't know what it will take for me to get better.** What I do know is that I feel my life slipping away from me. My scheduled time at home is more than 1/2 way through already, and I am as miserable and non-productive as the day I got here. Before I know it, its going to be time to go back, to face everything I ran away from 3 weeks ago, and I am still completely unable to cope with anything. And then the summer will just fly by, and I'll have caught up on nothing, and a brand new term will be starting, and I will be completely and thoroughly screwed. It makes me seriously nauseated just thinking about it. Not to mention even more depressed, thinking of everyone and everything just passing me on by. But time stops for no one, certainly not a pathetic loser bitch like me...