// Another letter to C...
| 10/14/2002 - 12:05 a.m. |

Perhaps eventually I'll remember how to write something other than a letter to C. (which is difficult enough at the moment), maybe feel motivated to journal on a regular basis, because I *know* from the past that it *can* actually help. Someday I might even have something a bit less self-absorbed, or at least a tiny bit *interesting*, to post...Maybe...but in the meanwhile...

10-11-2002

Hi :-(,

So I've been trying to email you for the past 2 weeks or whatever since you called, and they all get bounced back, although not until 4 days later--wierd, saying the server is down. Boo hoo:-( So I don't know why neither of us can get one through, other than perhaps your email system is for internal use only? Whatever the reason, it sucks (duh)

So, um, I am still doing decidedly shitty. Sleeping about 12 hours every day, can't focus/concentrate/pay attention to anything for any length of time, leave the house only when absolutely necessary and with considerable effort, hell I barely leave my room except to sit on the porch and smoke as I'm doing right now. I am just this numb, dead inside, zombie blob, barely existing, watching my LIFE pass right on by. And even more than I HATE all of that is how fucking helpless I am, or am feeling and acting...I could go on and on about how much things suck, how much I SUCK, but I'm so god awful sick and bored of my own whining...

I'm eating and stuff--not helping me feel any better though clearly. My weight has been oddly stagnant for the past month, but I'm sure a gaining boom is imminent. Whatever. My mom also wants to come visit next weekend (I haven't heard from her if she's gotten a ticket yet), so if she does I'll be eating a lot of restaurant food, which tends to pack on the pounds. Not really sure how I'll feel once I get closer to my "normal" weight--I mean none of this was about weight or "feeling fat" or body image or any of that shit, but even so, its always hard to give up the comfort of feeling all my bones--there's a sick pleasure in that which I don't think will ever go away *shrug*

Shit. I really have nothing of much interest to say...but I'll keep rambling on for a bit anyway, heh. Um, still doing my practicum, though finally getting close to finishing my hours. (10-12-02)Supposed to go to a little anti-war rally this afternoon. I am up "early" this morning (10am) so its possible I might be able to motivate myself to go, I'm not sure. I forget if I've mentioned this to you before, I go to this once-a-month "consciousness raising" womens group at B.'s, a local womens/GLBT bookstore. Last month our topic was "9/11-a year later-feminist perspectives," and everyone was just pissed and scared about this war with Iraq bullshit, so we decided to write letters and put together a protest. Not like its going to make a damned difference unfortunately. So there is a small demonstration today and plans for a bigger one next week I think. I guess this is actually something of interest, but as much as I am a pacifist and as much as political stuff usually gets me riled up...I'm still finding it difficult to give a shit...Its afternoon now--as usual, I am writing to you in bits and pieces during my smokes. Doesn't look like I'm going to the rally. Just now even starting to feel awake at all. I really really am going to try and keep my butt out of the computer chair for a while though and clean up my room and other space cuz its hard enough for me to think or do anything productive and then the clutter just completely overwhelms me. So yeah, that is my goal for today...

10-13-2002

Early Sunday evening now. Did get a few things done yesterday, but not all that I wanted to of course. And today I didn't wake up until 1 in the afternoon! Geez, I don't think I've slept that late since like freshman year in college when we would be up and drunk till 6am on the weekends and sleep till 4pm (and if it was Sat. do it all over again and if it was Sun., study and write papers for about 8 hours!). And naturally I've been on the computer since getting up, mostly doing my weekly ed-related tv alerts for my website (about the only thing left in my life I feel any motivation to put any effort into) and talking to S. She and I are honestly 2 of the smartest, and potentially most passionate and capable people I know (yes, I do actually see this in myself during those moments I'm not otherwise convinced I'm worth less than dirt) and we are both so goddamned stuck and immobilized and fucked up. What a waste...

Well, I think I've shared enough of my misery for now. Will mail this in the morning. Miss you nearly as much as my brain and hope to hear from you in some form very soon. Hoping things are going ok with you and looking forward to hearing whats up.

Love & HUGS--
M.