// yeah it sucks
| 09/19/2002 - 5:42 p.m. |

Yes, it does suck and it does make me feel more alone.

I hate the feeling I get as soon as I walk out the door, like I am completely alone in the world AND I just blew yet another chance to possibly not be quite so. Immediately lighting a cig I inwardly groan and think, "jackass!"

Yeah, more of me being mean to me. But *shrug* its my default position to think everything is my fault.

Braindead, voiceless, and walls one would need a bulldozer to knock down. But to be otherwise would be to care, to feel, to want...BLECH.

To even consider that it might not be ALL my "fault," that I might need/want something different, taps into my shame that I have any needs or wants at all. Sheesh, could I make things any more difficult for myself?

Can't speak, can't care, can't feel, can't question, can't want, can't need. Is anything that might be *helpful* to me permittable?

Yeah, started a thought with the possibility of analyzing the situation with some accuracy, and by the end of the fucking sentence it was all about me again. Blah...