// gone (CA --> NV)
| 07/15/2003 - 7:20 p.m. |

Well, I officially abandoned my life at about 5:45pm.

Mom just stopped at McDonald's to grab herself dinner.
Evil devil, there are french fries in my fucking car!!
Motherfucker, I love french fries.
But alas I love the process of slowly killing myself even more.

I had a shake once we finally got in the car earlier.
And thought to myself: why am I bothering?
I already survived the entire day of finishing packing and carrying my ton of shit down 23 stairs and miraculously getting every last bit of it stuffed into car and trailer--
on nothing.
So why give myself any fuel now?
I don't have an answer, just recording the thought.

I weighed in 1.5lbs up this morning--
damn grits and the zillion mg of sodium there probably was in that cup of minestrone at Subway.
Whatever.
I am without scale until Monday probably.
Oh, how it might even make me *smile* if I could make it through a cross-country road trip with mom and leave some more of me in the dust simultaneously.

J. came over to say good-bye this afternoon...

Oops. Before I get to that--
A mail truck being towed just went past and I said "Hope the mail isn't still in it, heh."
And thought AND BEGAN TO SAY, 'off all the damn things for the postal service to lose, I never did get that letter C. said she'd sent last fall'
I stopped myself and just said I forgot what I was going to say.
Eek, way too many cans of worms that innocent comment could open at the moment, none of which I want to deal with.

Anyway, guess I might as well talk here about the latest with C.
She did finally write a brief email to me yesterday:
Hi,
Have been here and there, dealing with the move and with a particularly bad case of poison ivy (sounds minor but has in fact left be in pretty bad shape-eyes swollen shut and on massive doses of steroids and antibiotics). Trying to absorb your news and all the ramifications. I am very frightened for you and would very much like to hear what you are planning to do.
C.

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My reply (on the road to nowhere):
>>a particularly bad case of poison ivy (sounds minor but has in fact left be in pretty bad shape-eyes swollen shut and on massive doses of steroids and antibiotics).

eek. sorry to hear that:(

>>Trying to absorb your news and all the ramifications.

yet another journal excerpt--

I still don't feel anything.
For real.
And I have no desire to.
But I've tried to trigger *something* the past couple of days.
Just because...well just because.
Repeating to myself that I have thoroughly trashed my life.
How I knew what I was doing, and kept doing it anyway.
How completely hopeless it all is, because I possess no instinct stronger than that for total self-destruction.
And all I feel is a twinge of...
Nothing.

and i repeat: *thoroughly trashed my life*
that would be the ramifications.

>>I am very frightened for you and would very much like to hear what you are planning to do.

no idea. i will be going to my aunt j.'s in philly--well at first anyway. she and aunt c. both have said i cannot stay with them if not in "treatment"

which poses a certain problem, as i want no part in dealing with more new people, telling me what to do, and not being able to help me besides.

...i assume you read the single journal entry i sent, my indirect means of asking...if there is any possibility at all...that you could/would work with me??...

sigh.

mom and i are leaving tomorrow afternoon, now with a trailer hitched to my car. she wants to arrive in philly sunday, which i'm not quite sure is possible, but i guess we'll find out. still a lot to do, so i should probably go and start loading...

hope to hear from you tomorrow...and of course that you feel better soon!

...m.

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Nothing from her today.
I wrote her another quick note before finally unhooking the laptop (finally gettin on the road...):
hey.

leaving here very shortly.

i will be checking my email on the road if the chance comes up, so if you are so inclined...

love-m.

So I dunno.

...Back to J. Thankfully she gave us some help for a little while. We'd probably still have not left if not.
And then we just said a short good-bye, nothing too mushy.
I did actually feel a tear in my eye as we hugged, but the moment quickly passed.
I do know I was really lucky though to have that one person stick by me this last year and a half.

I think I was most especially struck by just how dead I am inside with S.'s TF thread.
I read through that whole thing, all those words of love and support for ME--
and *thought* wow, that amazing tweetheart gt, and goddess, how nice, and wow, so-and-so has always been a fave poster of mine as well, etc.
BUT I STILL FELT NOTHING.

Why does no one get it?
Or is not willing to say so?
Why is it assumed that it's ME who is wrong, whose thought process is faulty?
Why can no one else just admit the truth--
"I" am gone.