// comments...and then some.
| 10/05/2003 - 11:33 p.m. |

so i added the 'comments by haloscan' code to the journal yesterday.
there's a link, currently labeled "whatcha thinking?--leave a comment...", at the bottom of each entry.
it *looks* like it's working, but feel free to test it out if you wish *hint_wink_hint*

yeah, so people can respond to individual entries now if they want...maybe use the diaryland notes link for more general stuff?...or whatever.
(oh, and as opposed to the "notes", you don't have to be a diaryland-er to use the comment function)

not like i was getting a ton of notes before or anything. hardly, lol.

i am really NOT trying to pull any woe-is-me guilt trip here, i swear.
because i get it.
and woohoo, am now going to try and explain what the hell i mean by that, heh.

ok, so i've just recently started looking at my stats page on a regular basis, and i'm like 'woah, people actually DO read this! wow...'

so why don't i get lots of little love-notes or what have you like some people do, right?

well, i think it goes something like this--

in 'real life' i tend to give out this unintentional but nevertheless very strong and pretty global vibe that basically says, "stay the fuck away from me"

and despite myself, i manage to send out the same message even online.
so like, even at TF, where i am *relatively* visible and known and have been able to interact with people "in public," so to speak...i rarely communicate with anyone one-to-one.
therefore while i may have a good # of friendly *acquaintances*, and there are people i am very fond of (and know it is mutual to varying extents)--i am not *close* to anyone (save gt, but that's different), i have not developed any significant *friendships*.

and just like in the off-line world, this makes me quite sad at times.
and lonely.
and in both cases i can't always keep myself from going to the place of 'i suck, i'm a big fat boring stupid loser, i'm-a-bad-person-and-therefore-unlovable-and-don't-deserve-friends-or-anyone-else' and so on and so on.
on some level however, i DO know that i'm NOT a bad person. flawed for sure. so is everyone.
and when i AM for whatever reason actually able to reach *out* to someone, and let them *in* as well...well the fact is i'm pretty fucking intelligent, and can be kinda funny providing you get my (usually sarcastic/dry/dark) sense of humor, and etc.

that being said, much of the time i don't so much mind the invisible shield.
i'm shy, i'm not "good" at being 'social,' it takes a *lot* of effort for me to try, and it pretty much scares the shit out of me. the idea of letting someone *know* me, of closeness, is hella frightening.
which is of course where the "vibe" comes from, whether i'm always aware of it or not.
and both my preference for safety AND the pain i feel, when i just can't block it out any more, from its consequences, both serve to further fuel the other, and on goes the (vicious) cycle.

this is how it's always been.
i've had the 'insight' for a while now too.
during healthier periods of my life, i've been able to fight against it to some extent.
but it requires such constant vigilance.
because it's SO ingrained, and SO second-nature, and as soon as my mental stability starts to falter in the least, the emotional shut-down happens nearly immediately.

and so, just one small manifestation of all this, is people read, but rarely reply.
AND i do the same.

and that's just how it is.


ummm, so didn't start out planning to get into all that.
but ok.

so i added a new comment/note option.
so use it...or not.
that's all.
heh.