// nothing's ever simple, right?
| 10/02/2003 - 3:16 a.m. |

email from C., Wed 10-01-03, 10:16am, Subject: re: searching with words
M.,

I read your email quickly-I realize that you had requested a more thorough reading and a thoughtful response but I also know that you like a response that is fairly timely. I feel like I am in an impossible dilemma with regard to my communications with you. You have repeatedly requested my support for the decisions that you are currently making. I will continue to care for you and to support you as best I can, but I cannot "support" decisions that frankly appear to me to be bad decisions.

With regard to your move home: If your parents have decided to separate/divorce after many years of unhappiness together and it feels to them to be a good decision, then I am glad for them. I think if is unfortunate that your homelessness is the impetus for that decision. More than that, I have tremendous concerns about your decision to live with your mother who has depression and struggles of her own, who by your own admission has been unable to confront your symptoms and to set any limits with you. Adult children who are doing well tend to regress at home and you don't need any regressive pulls.

I can only give you the benefit of my honest feedback or limit my communications.

C.


reply to C., Thu 10-02-03, 2:41am, Subject: nothing's ever simple, right?
Hey C.,

Well, it is obviously the latter in this statement-->>I can only give you the benefit of my honest feedback or limit my communications.<<--that I *don't* want.

I know that you cannot "support" *decisions* that I make that from your point-of-view are not good ones. But even if we continue to see things differently, it doesn't mean I don't value your "honest feedback." Because I truly do.
Because although I get that it frustrates the hell out of you when I'm not 'following' it, your perspective and opinions do still matter to me. At the very least, you never fail to push me to think about things a little bit more, to consider different aspects, to sort of check twice on what is or is not motivating me.

And of course you know how much I cherish your care and support for *me*.
And that's really the thing--it's the threat, whether direct or implied, of your limiting/ceasing *communication with* me if I don't make what you see as the 'correct' choices, that I really can't handle, because of course it feels like you are ceasing *caring for* me.
(Yes, on some level I can acknowledge that that is not what it means, but it really makes no difference to the emotional impact, which is crushing.)

You would not be *you* if you were any less frank in tellin' it like you see it. And I very much respect that.
And in turn I guess it is respect for the fact that in the end I will, that I have to, make my own choices (for better or worse and either way deal with the consequences) that I ask for--NOT that you necessarily agree with them and not that you tell me anything but exactly what you think.
(But I dunno, I think perhaps we BOTH have that 'stubbornly-opinionated' streak going on, eh?? *wink*)

Sooooo, yeah. Maybe take it as me cashing in a raincheck on one of the many previously unanswered, "What do you need?"s
*double-wink*


As for your concerns regarding my move, well I'll probably address them to a greater extent later (gettin' tired...). For now I'll just say that I agree(!!!, heheh) that there are 'issues' that will need to considered and probably continually so. But there is never anything that doesn't have it's pros AND cons, right? So yeah, of course there are potential problems or complications; however I honestly feel like we'll be able to manage them and that the pros, benefits, etc. are much more weighty.
But like I said, more later... ;)

Love ya,
M.