// cycles
| 10/17/2003 - 11:38 p.m. |

slept till about 5pm today.

[[yeah.
so it'll be another 'all-nighter'
such is the "WACK" sleep cycle i have alluded to.
copying part of a recent tf post at the end of this entry that details it.]]

had an email from my c.

10:14am, Subject: re: yeah.
M.,

I am looking forward to the email (or call) that I get from you to report news that you know I will find welcome. I want very much for you to get some help and to begin again to take care of yourself and to work again at creating a life and a future for yourself. I understand the reason for your silence (both in terms of your inability to report anything positive and your understanding of my position).

When I am not feeling maddened by your situation, I feel very sad. Your are in my thoughts and prayers.

C.

triggered a few more tears of course.
mostly the ones 'of shame' still.
but a little from the relief??, or whatever, of the reassurance--
(yes, i need a lot of it and yes, my seeking it is pretty much the essence of all my communications with her these days)--
that i am not yet absent from her mind and heart and that i do inspire feelings in her other than pure irritation.

then my aunt very surprisingly got home from work very early.
could i take her to the train station in a bit?
uh, sure.
she was going to AC yet again, to that bar.
and was specifically meeting up with some guy there this time!!!
wow. go j;)

so, being 'forced' to actually leave the house and all, i figured i'd better take advantage and finally get myself over to see s. and the new apt and all.
heh.
and that was really really good.


now back home and reattached to bed and computer for the duration.



~~~~~
originally posted in TPF 'phen thread' @ TF, 10-13-03, 5:42pm...


haven't posted in this thread previously because well, i'm a little embarassed about the fact that i've 'jumped on a bandwagon'
eh, don't ask, it's a complicated screwy 'pride' thing.
heh.

ANYways, yeah, i've been taking it for close to a month now.
the generic 30mg blue/clear.

and i'm having a serious issue with the insomnia thing.
my sleep cycle has been insanely fucked up for weeks.
like on average i've only been sleeping every 2 days.
and even on the second day, i'm not remotely sleepy till like 3-4 am at the earliest.

(note i don't say i'm not tired or i have tons of energy. even the almighty phen hasn't had any effect on the vegetative symptom--nor any other, but i wouldn't expect it too--of my depression.)

and believe me, this is NOT like me.
that when i do sleep, i'm knocked out until well into the afternoon is a little bit more 'in character' but even for me, consistenly not waking up till 3 or so in the afternoon is in the ridiculous realm.

i've tried any # of things to break the cycle, regain a moderate level of normalcy, including breaks from the phen.
all to no avail.

granted the fact that i've continued to pop stackers and any other # pills as usual probably doesn't help the situation.
but i've never really had any side effects of any kind from them before.
i am actually weirdly immune to side-effects generally, whether from my prescribed meds or uh, non-prescribed--esp. considering that even when i'm at a 'healthy' weight, i'm naturally fairly small/petite.
(of couse, there also doesn't seem to be an anti-depressant in existence that works for me in it's intended effect either. )

so...