// intentions...
| 10/29/2003 - 8:22 p.m. |

i keep meaning to write...
but i don't know what the fuck to say.
or more accurately, i don't know how to 'talk'.
at all.

never even posted my last email to c.
that'll have to do for now...


Fri, 10-24-03, 2:19am, Subject: intentions
dear c.,

>>I am looking forward to the email (or call) that I get from you to report news that you know I will find welcome.<<

well, i didn't reply sooner partly because i was hoping to have news of *some* sort to report on *some* front.
but so far, another week of nothing.
*sigh*

soooo...
thank you for your last response.
there is this one line from a throwing muses song that repetitively runs through my head whenever i think about you--
"i'm so sorry i'm cardiac baggage" (see random p.s. at bottom, heh)
ummm, yeah.

>>When I am not feeling maddened by your situation, I feel very sad. Your are in my thoughts and prayers.<<

and i don't know which state is preferrable to *you*, but *i* felt a little bit of relief??, or whatever, from the reassurance that i am not yet totally absent from your mind and heart *and* that i actually *do* inspire feelings in you other than pure irritation.

like i wasn't totally clear on what you were conveying here--
>>I understand the reason for your silence (both in terms of your inability to report anything positive and your understanding of my position).<<

--but regardless, i really *don't* actually 'understand your position'.
i mean, on an intellectual level, yeah i guess.
but emotionally, the only thing i understand is your position of 'distance,' in all its various manisfestations, and how much it just **hurts**.
a lot.
to understate it.

i know that you only want good things for me.
and believe me i so want to give you news you will "find welcome".
it's just really hard when--regardless of which talk i may talk in regards to 'getting help', et al.,--i simply cannot help the hopelessness i feel, about any 'help' actually being *helpful*, about all of it...
and in response, i feel like i just get left even further, more intensely, alone with it, paralyzed under it.

the whole 'tough love' approach, or whatever you wanna call it, seems to be unfortunately popular among people in my life lately, and it's only effect on me is to increase my senses of being unloved, and unsupported, and unworthy and so-on.

anyways, not sure the sort of 'tone' the above will come across as, but my only intent really is to share what thoughts came up for me...

hope you are doing well & staying warm! ;)
love,
m.

the random p.s.--gotta hear the song to get the full effect...it's actually on this mix i made a month or 2 ago, at least partially with the purpose of giving a copy of it to you...(if i ever *see* you ;-P...)...