// days/dates of in/significance
| 11/16/2003 - 7:37 p.m. |

email to C.
dear c....

hmmmm.
i, just a few minutes ago, had the somewhat-out-of-nowhere thought/realization that today, 11/16, is one of those "anniversary"-sort of dates--
5 years since *i* found out about your cancer dx.
[[several misc. notes/comments 'bout that...
1--it was a mon...making "your date" fri-the-13th...(right?)...i always/still associate you with all fri-the-13ths...i really am so strange i know, heh, all my "things" with "dates"...
2--i could of course be making it up, but i seem to think the 5-yr c-free mark is of particular significance in terms of lowered probability of recurrence?? i dunno where ya start counting from, but you would be at least 4+ at this point, right?...you should have a big party or somethin' to celebrate that one ;-)...]]
so, me and my 'date thing'...and those of considered-significance tend to lead me to write you...even when i wasn't so much "wanting" to...

i suppose there is some level of "obviousness" in my not replying to your last (short) message/question.
short version, w/no explanation/excuses is i 'don't so much know'

i also 'can't so much' restrain myself from a long version though...

well, my immediate response to your email was:
**me checking and copying from journal**
"what.
the.
fuck.
yeah, that was the entirety of her response.
did she even actually *READ* my email?
*rolleyes*

blah. whatever."


2nd response was...ooorrrrr, in not answering/even acknowledging any of my implied questions, a definite level of "obviousness" as to what an explicit response would entail...

and theeennnn...i let it go/forgot about it. whatever.

basically just one more NON-impetus for my even thinking about thinking about any "plans" all week:
~~no "supportive encouragement/motivation" from you
~~no mention of anything about anything by anyone else.
~~various distractions in the forms of physically moving; not getting at all physically settled
[[mom and i just started dealing with the mess that is my digs-to-be today...so right now i'm still camped out in the living room, go into my old room only to sleep every other day, and 'living' out of my everywhere-scatterd-'suitcases']];
~~trying to psychologically adjust a bit;
~~another c******* funeral on wednesday (my grandmother's sister, her last sibling, died over the weekend);
~~my precious computer crashing--like-nearly-declared DEAD-took-me-48-hours-48-near-panicked-hours-to-so-much-as-successfully-reboot-it-CRASHED.
[[it is O-M-G-thank-you-GOD working again...there was a LOT of stuff i was pretty freaked out about potentially losing--but nothing quite so much as 3 years worth of emails to and from you <-- that was a downright disturbing thought...FIRST THING i did upon getting it working it again was backing my shit up--ah, yes, i have certainly and *finally* learned my lesson about that--and the first thing i backed up was those emails...]]
~~and so on...


ok, i gave myself ONE HOUR to write this email. i decided i needed to put a limit on the ridiculousness as i can easily spend 3 or 4 pecking at the keys, staring at the screen, deleting, pecking, deleting, staring...and that hour is up. and i clearly came to no real conclusion or point of bringing any of this together, but...i gotta go.

days gone by-- (<--no idea what that is supposed to mean *shrug* the fingers did it, heh.)
m.