// passive distraction
| 11/21/2003 - 12:05 a.m. |

it should be a "sleeping night."

i tried an hour or so ago,
but i wasn't "sleepy" enough.

real fuckin tired,
having been up for 30+ hours and all--
but my brain was still 'going'.
ya know thinking and stuff.

and i can't handle thinking.
because it triggers feeling.
and my feelings by definition suck.

when i am 'awake',
even for these extended periods of time,
i am incessantly distracting,
keeping all real thoughts + feelings AWAY.

on the puter mostly for hours on end,
doing whatever.

but lying in bed and being awake,
there is nothing to distract.
so i can't really deal unless i'm gonna pass right out.

and soooo, i came back downstairs.
mom was still down here for a bit,
she just went up.
and it was obvious that i'm feeling *particularly* low.
i mean she said as much.

but she STILL hasn't given me any of the insurance info.
hasn't mentioned it in weeks,
hasn't brought up anything at all relating to my pursuing any kind of tx.
just hasn't said anything about anything basically.

and yes i KNOW it is ridiculous that I am WAITING for HER to say/do something.
my characteristic passivity to the nth degree.
but...
well, it is characteristic.
and i remain intensely ambivalent.
and i'm just totally confused why she suddenly went silent?????
and oh yeah, i'm just stubborn like that.

but i really do feel like shit.
[duh.]
and very very lonely.
and in those moments when its "hitting" me with particular force,
i get pretty antsy
and feel a vague longing for having "someone" to "help"

and i can only imagine the extent of c's frustration.
i know she's pretty much gonna ignore me until i do *something*
and i feel a great deal of shame
at how disappointed she likely is with me
for finally having the insurance +
STILL not fucking DOING anything.

but again where in the fuck is my mom on this?!?


i just...feel too damn "'"fat"'" to initiate an active stance.
could i PUT any more quotes around that word?!?