// dead but still delusional
| 07/04/2003 - 11:15 p.m. |

In the old journals, I am in the midst of C.'s cancer and those interminable 3 1/2 months when I couldn't see her and had only sporadic phone and written contact.

And still I feel nothing.

That whole experience was so scary and emotional and ultimately very defining.

And it now stirs nothing.

When I finally spoke to my mom this afternoon, she talked of coming out to move me as soon as the week after next even.

Whatever. Whenever. I don't care.

I feel nothing.

The only response I am having to the old journals is...

...wondering if there were any possible way I could work with C. again, as in seeing her as my therapist.

There are a million reasons why that is almost certainly impossible.

And would I even *really* want that even if it *were* a possible option?

I don't know.

If there is even the slightest, meagerist hope that I could ever be a halfway functioning human being again...

...I feel like it would/could only lie in her.

Random thought, fantasy, inability to step out of the only world I still inhabit, i.e., my own little delusional one--

--yeah.