// discomforts
| 02/11/2004 - 1:55 p.m. |

2-11-04, Wednesday, 11:05am
Definitely on the down side today.
Having the feelings more of what I was writing yesterday I guess. Empty, scared, lonely, anxious, + tired/low energy.

Also feeling some guilt/shame about my treatment of �Big R.� Snapped at her a little bit again today, @ morning gathering. I tried to moderate myself, restrain the �attacking� sort of tone that I can imagine she hears, but its difficult in the moment, + I don�t think I did a real good job. I don�t feel badly about feeling frustrated + annoyed by her, basically not liking her. I do feel badly about the way/the extent to which I�ve communicated it to her. One thing to speak up, to challenge, another to be rude + disrespectful�
(contact w/Sue)

11:26am�+ hurt someone�s feelings. That�s just not the kind of person I want to be. I don�t need to like everyone or have everybody like me�its not that. I do need to treat even people that grate on me w/ simple respect + civility. The �Golden Rule� + all that to be simplistic and clich�.

Moving on.

Had �Learning to Relax� group @ 10:30. Only ended up being about 15 min. Which was more than enough for me. Only 3 of us + we just did a typical relaxation thing w/ the nature music, laying on our backs.

First, I was like, hell yeah�lay down on the pillows, because I�m real tired + yawny today. But that position is a little painful w/ my lower back issues. And then I was like, noooo, don�t like being aware of my body + esp. part by part (�relax your feet�relax your lower legs�� + so on). Very uncomfortable. I just got more anxious + tense as it went on, instead of less, all sorts of the usual unpeaceful thoughts going through my mind. I was gonna bail out @ any second anyway, so relieved it was cut short.



11:50am
Are you fucking KIDDING me?!
Upping my meal plan?
NO
Fuck you Sally
No. no no no no. NO.
I could fucking kill her.
NO. NOT doing it.
NOT going over that fucking #.
NO.
Fuck you. NO.