// confused shrug
| 02/10/2004 - 3:41 p.m. |

2-10-04, 2:10pm
1st time today I�ve really even had a moment to breath. And I don�t have anything left to do here today besides �Afternoon gathering� at 3. Numbness still abounds I think, but now sitting, there is a nagging sense of emptiness. Fear + loneliness maybe too. I don�t know.

Tired. Don�t quite know what�s happening. Like in some ways I only just got here, to Renfrew I mean. This is my 20th day, but its only the last week, if that even, that I haven�t been in a constant fight about being here, staying here, level of care, status, etc. So now I�m like, ok�what next? What am I working on here? And THEN what? A lot of other clients have asked how long I�m gonna be here, if I have a discharge date. And I have no clue. I haven�t asked (ironically) + no one on �the team� has mentioned anything. Well, I think Rosenberg asked me earlier how long I �wanted� to stay (not even totally sure, because its hard to understand her sometimes) and I said, �uhhh, I dunno� + there was no followup.

Otherwise, no talk w/ anyone.

I�m surprised the insurance hasn�t cut me off yet.

But anyways, crazy as it sounds after all my fighting (or maybe not?), I realize I�m scared to leave. I don�t yet have any clear plan for what the next step is in terms of treatment. And where I�m at in terms of my depression, I really don�t know.

Having some relatively better days just recently yes, but I�m far from �functional� still. And so many times, apparent improvement has just been a blip, a cruel teaser w/ a harsh crash/reality check to reinforce the bleakness of my chances, short- and long-term both.

I just don�t know. And I�m scared.

And I�m scared to feel just how frightened/terrified I really am, so I�m just not I guess.

I�m just here.

*confused shrug*