// 'don't so much know'
| 11/08/2003 - 12:13 a.m. |

just posted another entry too btw, 'halloween...(post-dated)'...


email to c., Fri, 11-07-2003, 1:19am
hi c.,

so i do have an insurance policy.
personal choice.
haven't really talked to my mom this week but i assume the last detail or 2 that had to be taken care of has been.
(something about the benefits person at vd. having to give blue cross official verification for whatever?)
she hasn't given me any of the info/documentation yet, so when she does...

i am finally going to have to return to the starting block i suppose.
2-3 months later is it?
a lot of time spent in a state of avoidant oblivion to the extreme, i know that.
fierce avoidance of *thinking* about most *everything*.
including how fucking scared i am to lose the insurance 'excuse'.
because??
_well, i don't so much know, i don't think about it._
or how bout that i am moving in with my mother!! in 2 days???
my thoughts and feelings on that, on the separation, anything?
_well, i don't so much know, i don't think about it._

yes, the extent of my self-imposed cluelessness is rather astounding.
to state the obvious...
...as i can imagine you shaking your head right now in annoyed frustration for the 935th time.
[[actually, now i literally am trying to picture. and i'm blocked on recollecting either way a head-shaking mannerism?
hmmm...
ohhh, but the hardened angry glint in your eyes, that is unmistakable...oops. sidetracked. sorry.]]

so as usual, i am less than clear on the point, of the email content-wise or sending-it-to-you-wise.

...no, that's not entirely accurate actually.
well, what i mean is, i do know what i "wish" the point to be, like as in what i "want"
*supportive* encouragement i guess?...in terms of the whole actually *feels*-to-me-like-such issue...
i'm currently recollecting also where things stood back in august, our 'negotiations',
the agreement/'plan', to come up with a "plan"...together.
and wonder if any of that is even relevant or in play now...along the lines of 'encouragement' i guess...

well. anyways. that's my stream of consciousness in your direction for this week.

*the always sincere, but feeling repetitive drill...*--
m.


reply from c., Fri, 11-07-2003, 8:07am
Dear M.,
I appreciate the update. In light of your re-established coverage, what are your plans?

C.


^^^
what.
the.
fuck.
yeah, that was the entirety of her response.
did she even actually *READ* my email?


blah. whatever.

my all-consuming obsessive project of the week: totally redoing the EDR site.
getting there, but still a ways to go too.
nada else up really.