// drugs and vomit
| 04/12/2003 - 6:19 p.m. |

*sigh*

I guess I've been avoiding updating to some extent. I've only continued the 'momentum' from my weekend in L.A. if reversing its direction counts , e.g. I'm going baaaaackwards.

Back to the b/p cycle, or my pitiable version of it anyway. My purges thus far today have been uncommonly 'successful'. And yet, what a surprise, that doesn't make me feel one bit better. Why the fuck am I doing this? Continually pushing myself back into e.d.-land, particularly the, err, bulimic region , when 1-its just fucking pathetic to do so, and 2-it doesn't even fucking help. And I KNOW it *doesn't* help, I KNOW its not *going* to help. But I do it anyway.

One positive thing is that I've had 2 sessions with the new psychiatrist, including just this morning over the phone. I'm tapering off the zoloft, starting on serzone. He's a bit, erm, odd, but he clearly knows his shit when it comes to psychopharm and thats all I give a damn about. I'm scared though, so scared of life, myself, the world, but most of all scared to let myself *hope*...