// games and puzzles
| 07/25/2003 - 5:47 p.m. |

reply from C., Fri, 07-25-2003, 3:46am, Subject: re: wanting
Dear M.,

I remember well the point at which you entered Bt. under the threat of a 302. You had consistently and insistently maintained that you would never go back to the hospital and so I anticipated that you would be enormously angry and resistant-which you were, but not nearly to the extent to which I had anticipated. You clearly expected it of me and somehow managed to convey this to me. I don't know if it is fair to say that you were relieved to be going back to the hospital, but I believe there was "relief' or reassurance or whatever you want to call it that someone was taking charge and making sensible decisions on your behalf. I realize that you hate having control taken from you. You also know that you are in very poor control of your life at this point in time and you have not had a whole lot of people in your life who recognize the difference between taking charge on your behalf and exercising control. I am sorry that it took D. so long to take the position that she did. I still don't fully understand why you did not trust her to help you. I was dismayed in one of your recent emails to hear you refer to your mother's rescuing interventions as supportive. I don't think that you will get what you need at home.

At the risk of being called optimistic, I don't believe that your situation is hopeless. Things look bad and I don't know on which side of your ambivalence you will ultimately come down. Your BP is NOT your only health and safety issue-you are nutritionally compromised and your thinking and mood are affected by your current weight and intake status. What are you willing to do to turn that around? The ball is in your court.

Play hard,

C.


email to C., Fri, 07-25-2003, 11:52am, Subject: games and puzzles
Dear C.,

K, first I just have to note that I had a dream last night in which you read my email at like 3 in the morning. I remember nothing else about it, but of course, I wake up just now to find that indeed you did, lol. Bizarre.

Second, blahhh, of all my rambling, you only reply to and focus on the H. crap?? :-P

I'm a little confused by some stuff on first read, but perhaps I'll figure it out as I go along in responding...

Bt., et al.--I don't know what to say but that to me it all seems so very different now. I became so very different in those years of relative "wellness" and I am so very different *now* than either of those people I think. Which sounds very vague and just poorly-done argumentativeness, I know. Yeah, I was pissed back then at the moment, but I got over it pretty damn quick. That whole year I very much had a love-hate relationship with hospital-s/-izations, but they very much were sanctuaries of "relief", and I kept on running back to escape everything else. I have never once felt in this past 2 years that it could again provide any kind of safety. And *why* exactly is it so different?? *sigh* Fuck, I'm sure I've journaled about it somewhere, and if not I wll try and do so soon...

>>I realize that you hate having control taken from you. You also know that you are in very poor control of your life at this point in time and you have not had a whole lot of people in your life who recognize the difference between taking charge on your behalf and exercising control. I am sorry that it took D. so long to take the position that she did. I still don't fully understand why you did not trust her to help you.<<

I don't fully understand that either. I mean in many ways, I *did* "trust" her, yet there was always *something* missing, whether in her, in me, between us...all 3 most likely. This I have journaled about to some extent, though I can't say I came up with any definite conclusions. But in the final circumstances, it felt very very much like heavy-handed control. Thoroughly unwanted, frightening beyond belief, and really--forcing me to spend a weekend in the county loony bin??, without even my tweety?? (ok, I know that sounds ridiculous, but you of all people know my attachment to her, and it seriously made things 10x worse for me to not even have my little one to grab onto)--hardly seemed like caring action "on my behalf."

And then there is the fact of how *easily* I very simply said you're fired and walked away. I barely even knew you back when the Bt. thing happened, yet I made a choice not to fuck-up a relationship that wasn't even yet present. And I *still* can't let go. Of course, when I get all paranoid and where-the-fuck-are-you, I imagine you've already 'cut the cord', and sometimes I sure as hell want to, but I CAN'T, and never could. And so...I imagine despite everything, there actually are certain circumstances in which I would be "willing" to go the IP route, but I feel like if there is nothing for me to hold onto 'out here', then well, frankly, I am just too fucking stubborn and resistant and scared and a million other things to go anywhere near 'in there.'

>>I was dismayed in one of your recent emails to hear you refer to your mother's rescuing interventions as supportive. I don't think that you will get what you need at home.<<

Grrr. You're certainly not the first to make that judgement, but I'm really quite sick of people 'bashing' my mom. There may be a lot of things she can't give me, but I know that she will ALWAYS be there for me, and do the very fucking best she can. Regardless of what anyone else thinks about what happened and what I did, you weren't there, you're not me, you don't know what I went through. And neither was, is, does she. But she *trusted* me, she recognized for once that even if I had made the wrong fucking decisions (which I still do not believe to be the case), I had to be the one to make them.

Regardless, no of course I won't get what I need at 'home.' But clearly I wasn't getting it in CA either. So, whatever.

>>Your BP is NOT your only health and safety issue-you are nutritionally compromised and your thinking and mood are affected by your current weight and intake status.<<

I was speaking of anything that would be of 'immediate' 'concern.'
And frankly, considering all the various nutritional states I've been in the past 2 years, and how shitty my thinking and mood have consistently been, I'd say my current weight and intake are having relatively positive effects. Yeah, I know thats short-term, not to mention fucked-up, but long-term and not fucked-up?? I think I've already covered that.

>>What are you willing to do to turn that around? The ball is in your court.

Play hard,<<

Um, this is where I am still thoroughly confuzzled. Taking a page from my book on crypticness are you?? Trick question? Hidden meaning?
Well, I know quite skillfully how to play the weight/intake game, up, down, and all-around. I suppose its something like what I said in regards to the H/IP issue--having given up/thrown away essentially everything, sorry if I need a little something back, some fucking *reason* to turn anything around.

So, I think I've given enough for you to sift through here, and plenty still down below...

Tweety love,
M.

ps--Hope you don't mind that I keep attaching the read receipts. Just lessens my paranoia a bit, ya know? lalala...

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Well, I got a read receipt for the above at 12:21pm, but no reply, so I imagine I'll have to wait until Monday to hear anything now...