// going deaf
| 05/28/2003 - 3:27 p.m. |

so d. called the shrink, and i ended up going in to see him today. i think i missed a good half of what he said tho, because i can't fucking hear. don't know what the deal is, i just woke up this morning with the problem. everything is realllll muffled, and i'm all foggy and straining to hear.

up-shot of the meeting was yet another med switch, this time to remeron. he had mentioned it several times before, stating his assumption that i would be reluctant to try it because of the very frequent side effects of increased appetite and weight gain. true, the idea doesn't thrill me, but hey, its not like i eat according to my appetite anyway *roll* besides, i so just don't give a fuck--feel sure i am beyond help, but yeah whatever, i'll swallow whatever damn pill you want to maintain the illusion for others that i'm not.

he also off-handedly hypothesized about the possibility of me being bipolar. are you kidding me?? so no evidence for that. and i realize this is sort of fucked up, but i WISH. a little hypo-mania sounds fabulous.

it seems so screwy to me. you can more miserable than seems possible, want to die with amazing intensity, do any # of self-destructive things...but OMG, say you haven't eaten for a few days, and people freak the fuck out, pay you 10x more attention, start throwing around words like 'hospital' and 'starving to death'. god damn, get a grip.

*anyways*, taking a step back now to try and compose my thoughts in response to d...

i sent her an email last night (subject: um...) with a copy of my last journal entry, prefaced with:
email?
apparently?

eat?
wellll, not yet.

her reply:
M.
You sound furious at me. It may be because I can't read your mind but at least if you're pissed off at me we can make some kind of contact, right? A confrontation may seem like what you want, but I wonder if a confrontation is that useful. I think it is a repetition of your relationship with your father. I sometimes wonder if you are trying to piss me off -- that it is familiar to you to be raged at and some part of you can get very provocative to see if I'll respond. I don't want to repeat that relationship with you. I want to understand your anger and self-destructiveness and help you understand it.

Believe me, I wish I could read your mind -- you would feel much better and we'd both be having an easier time of it. Could you help me out and tell me what is going on in there? I cannot do this by myself. I need you to be in this with me. Despite the fact that I sometimes get it wrong, I would very much like to help you. I think that not talking to me about is far worse sabotage to yourself than not showering.

I called Dr. McR. I imagine you'll be getting a call from him. Please eat and keep in touch with me tomorrow. I'll see you Thursday.
D.

my reply, with the first part of *this* entry tacked on the bottom:
>I sometimes wonder if you are trying to piss me off...some part of you can get very provocative to see if I'll respond.

no doubt.

and while i am certainly aware that its *related* to shit with my father, i don't think its about *repeating* it. dealing with anger, mine and others, is obviously a long recurring theme for me, so for once (or so it feels), i'm not short on insight on the issue.

his anger so often felt totally random, without reason, and of course out of control. so anger in and of itself can feel dangerous. to some extent, i've come to understand that it doesn't necessarily have to be, its a natural feeling, can be expressed w/o the scariness factor, etc.

clearly, i still have a strong tendency to direct my own anger inwards, to "rage" at myself. but i think when i get in that space of trying to provoke some expression of anger in others, its with the idea (trust even?) that it will show me something different, that anger can actually come from 'good' places ('care'/'concern' vs. selfishness or 'hate' or whatever the fuck it was), and while it might not be pleasant, it can be dealt with and used more constructively.

soooo, thats at least something thats going on 'in there'
*shrug*

copying my post-McR. musings below...

see ya tomorrow--
M.