// missing the point
| 05/27/2003 - 7:14 p.m. |

5-27-03, 4:20pm (pre-therapy)
What in the fuck am I doing? In part, I just don't care. Except that I know I am only making things worse for myself. Which is obviously insane. I want to "resolve" it all. But I don't have the "guts." So I do everything possible to ADD to my misery?!? Have practically stopped eating all together. Didn't shower, brush my teeth, or so much as change my underwear (!) for 5 days. Way to add to the already enormous amount of self-hating, right? Exactly what do I imagine this renewed drive for self-destruction will actually accomplish?...Me and my damn questions. Not only do I have no answers, I continually refuse to push myself to come up with any. The mind wanders, same old tape starts playing--hate me, hate me, hate me; starve, starve, starve; sleep, sleep, forever sleep.

now (post-whatever)

d--'i know anything that makes you feel backed into a corner is a BAD idea, but, do you think maybe you could eat something today?'

me--*long silence*, 'ummm, maybe a little cheese later on?'

she wasn't impressed.

nor was i. all the 'thats the depression talking...why do you think you're so horrible? sorry, i'm not convinced...you've got plenty to offer the world' blah-blah-blah total bullshit.

truth: i DON'T want to get better. because i flat out don't want to be alive. yet, i do nothing to change the fact that i am. and so i'm a big fat pathetic waste and i do indeed majorly suck.

d--'other options, blahblahblah, this isn't enough.'

me--'i don't think there is anything that could be.'

d--'true, blahblahblah'

alrighty then. thanks. so what's the fucking point again?

(yeah, i've got selective memory. your point would be?)

i feel even less like eating now than i did earlier, but i have this annoying compulsion about honesty, and am supposed to email her later...ohlala.

truth: part of me obviously wanted some sort of confrontation about (not)eating. but for what purpose? as much as i know every damn thing i say/don't say, do/don't do is a test of sorts (yes, still...hell now more than ever probably), fuck me if i know what results i'm looking for/expecting/wanting. and now what? eat? don't eat? email? don't email? eat and email? don't eat or email? yes/no, no/yes, YES this is RIDICULOUS.

i am so, so fucked.

*smoke*

...realizing i sound pretty pissed. why? because there is no magic wand? because she can't read my mind?...yeah, maybe...yeah.