// graduations...
| 06/01/2002 - 4:48 p.m. |

Today was my brother's hs graduation. I'm ecstatic for him but the whole day sucked for me. First of all, it was at the school, but outside in the sun, in the HEAT, the humidity--it was ridiculous. I sat down and I was already too fucking hot. The thing started, they all marched out, there was a little speech, and then the baccalaureate mass started (fyi--private, all-boys, catholic hs...um, yeah) and I went inside. No way in hell I was staying in that sauna for a MASS when I'm not even Catholic. Went back outside about an hr later for the actual graduation ceremony--some awards, another speech or two, and finally the diplomas. I went back inside as soon as my bro got his, and soon figured I might as well leave then before the thing ended and avoid spending a year getting out of the parking lot, sitting in the car w/the AC broke, and no wind cuz we're not moving.

I don't know what it was with the heat, I just COULD NOT handle it. I mean everyone was miserable, and there were definitely others roaming around inside, but mostly people were dealing. And it's not that I was being a baby--I would be out there for 5 mins and seriously feel like I was gonna keel over. I'm guessing that the fact that my body is in a weakened state right now was making me extra-sensitive to the heat, but I really don't know.

Anyways, from there it was on to my brother's little family party, which was being held at this italian restaurant that serves "family style." My mom didn't set it up till pretty late, and it was an odd mix of relatives that actually came. My aunt c. and uncle j. didn't come. He was working and she had to finish her big essay, and so I was left defenseless. The few other members of my family that I actually like also didn't show. I hate the fakeness of fam gatherings, and I really didn't have the energy to even try to be social. And then there is my mom, pretending everything is wonderful, whining that she wants a picture of the 4 of us (me, her, my bro, and father) even tho she damn well knows how meaningless it is. I have no relationship w/ my father--when we are forced to be in the same place, I am civil but try to stay on the far other side of the room. My parents are technically still married, live in the same house, but have absolutely no marriage to speak of. My brother is the only one who speaks to everyone else. Why do we have to fucking pretend?? I managed to make sure that picture was not taken, but still--she does it every damn time and it annoys the hell of it me.

Ok, so we're at the restaurant. I eat "normal" so no one notices there is anything wrong. I had also dressed in this long flowing purple patterned skirt and peasanty blouse that I felt did a decent job of hiding my weight loss. I go into the bathroom between coffee and desert and cut, just a little touch-up on the F in the FAT on my leg. Finally drag my aunt j. out of there and I've been holed up in "my" room on the puter since we got home (4+ hrs ago).

It wasn't just the annoying circumstantial stuff though. It was just this time a yr ago that I graduated from college. After everything I had been through, it was a huge fucking deal to me. I mean 4 yrs earlier I was a college drop-out and a patient on a psychiatric unit. I had next to no faith in myself that I would either recover nor return to and be able to handle school. I graduated w/ a 3.87 GPA and healthier than I've ever been in life. It was a huge accomplishment and I actually knew it and acknowledged it and was PROUD of myself. The only other thing that mattered to me was for c. to be there and see it. She cancelled on me the day before, and a yr later I have yet to get the only graduation present I wanted, which was/is to fucking SEE her. Hell, she hasn't even replied to a fucking email in 2 weeks. And also a yr later here I am, worse off mentally than I think I have ever been in my life, and I've been pretty damn bad before. I am scheduled to go back to CA in 9 nine days and I am absolutely terrified. In fact I am absolutely terrified of EVERYTHING. I cannot deal w/ anyone or anything that is waiting for me. My one and only hope there is d., and given our history thus far, that is real pathetic.

Other than dying, the only thing I want is to be holed up somewhere, anywhere, w/ my tweety, my cigs, my diet soda and a computer. Pretty much what my life has been like for the past month, and **all I am fucking capable of.** There are seriously only 2 things in the world that I have any reason to get out of bed at all for. 1-I have to go outside to smoke. 2-My online life is the only one I give a shit about. It seems that I have graduated too/again: I have graduated from the living, the functional, from any kind of actual life. What do ya do with THAT fucking degree???