// growin up, heh
| 09/10/2003 - 11:23 a.m. |

email from C., 4:35am, Subject: re: Other goings-ons
Hi M.,

I am trying to get caught up after an unexpected several day absence due to an especially virulent GI bug. I will have to delay a full response to you until I can get my head above water again.

I don't know what to say about your insurance situation. It is very upsetting and dismaying and not especially surprising. I am sorry that it has provided you an opportunity to maintain the status quo. I don't want to see you until that changes-if nothing else, it helps me to feel that I am doing what I can to keep some pressure on.

With regard to your interest in pursuing a bipolar diagnosis, you weren't much helped if I recall by Depokote.

C.


email to C., 11:05am, Subject: growin up, heh
Hey,
Sorry you were sick, I had a feeling something was up, cuz well, it seems *something* always is w/ you unfortunately. Hope you are feeling better?!


>>I don't want to see you until that changes-if nothing else, it helps me to feel that I am doing what I can to keep some pressure on.<<

Well, to use your words, "dismaying and not especially surprising." I am a bit disappointed of course, but I respect your position as well.
And I of course realize the 'status quo' is nothing to rave about at this point, but 'for the record' I do feel like I am doing my best to at least maintain that right now as I 'promised'.

The insurance papers have been filed btw, its supposedly a 1-2 week wait now...


>>With regard to your interest in pursuing a bipolar diagnosis, you weren't much helped if I recall by Depokote.<<

Oh, good goddess, no, I'm not interested in pursuing any more diagnoses of any kind!! LOL!!
Nah, just an article I came across, related to a bit. And the point of it was, that there are a lot of people who DON'T fit into the established DSM criteria, but as with anything its just really arbitrary and there is a whole spectrum between strictly unipolar and your 'classic' manic-depressive.
No, depakote didn't help any. But then, I am actually currently on 2 mood-stabilizers as well as the effexor, and well there hasn't been *anything* that has much helped, so whatever...


Soooo, tomorrow is the "B" day. And the idea of it pretty much started making me nauseous as soon as the calendar flipped to september. But, I've had an insight or 2 and come up with plans that for once I think will allow me to chill the fuck out (or "c.f.o." in s.-vernacular) about it. I wrote a long post about it at my forums yesterday, which of course I'm gonna copy down below.

{{Probably unnecessary info/explanation about 1 little thing: There is one sentence where a couple of phrases have been [edited]. Just so you know, there was no info. in them that I am hiding from you or anything. Its just...*sigh*...I feel that I owe you a lot of apologies for a lot of things in regards to my antics or what have you recently. But there was one 'theme' in them that I think I owe you a SERIOUS, GENUINE apology for. I came to this realization a week or so ago and its been on my mind since then and I plan to write you a real letter, like pen + paper (too much crap I send you over email, don't want it to get lost in that), well except that I honestly don't know if it *will* ever get written as I've thus far been avoiding it. So I know this is typically obtuse, I'm just trying to explain without, well, actually explaining right now, heheh. But, anyways, small edited sections were in the genre of said 'theme' that I realized was rather inconsiderate of me to confront you with.}}


Well, again, very very glad to hear from you and that in the grand scheme of things you are ok. Looking forward to getting a "full response" when you catch up on other stuff *wink*

Love ya lots--
M.

~~~~~

the [edited] portions were here:
...and when i�m in a place like i am now, where the idea [[of celebrating another year of being alive]] seems utterly absurd [[considering how often i wish i were dead,]] well yeah, JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY PLEASE...

as for why, well its a long story, and quite personal **TO C.**, and maybe i'll get into it another time, but not now...