// i hear you...i just can't hear me
| 03/16/2003 - 10:13 p.m. |

Dear C.,
My general response is ok, fair enough. I know that I have put you in a difficult position, and I continue to do so even as I apologize for it. And you're right, I too feel like I could/should be doing more to help myself. Instead of objectively considering what exactly that would mean, how to go about changing it, however, I go right to 'and therefore I suck, am a lazy hateful piece of shit' and on and on, which obviously short-circuits any productive thought, let alone action. I get so frustrated that I can't turn it off and deal with the issue, and the cycle continues and gets more vicious and deeply ingrained with every passing day. So...I don't know either.

I don't know how I can even ask you to continue to reply to/interact with me at all...*insert lots of self-hate, passive-aggressiveness, dramatic bs*

You have every reason to give up and say to hell with me. All I can do is very humbly hope you won't.

Blah. More I wanted/planned to say, have been mulling over numbly the past few days. Currently the overload of emotions triggered by my attempt to translate from brain to screen make it near impossible to actually do so. I'll just say that, despite how I might seem to nitpick it, I appreciate nothing more than your genuine responses...I'd really still like an update on you though! :-P

Love ya,
M.