// truth and consequence
| 03/16/2003 - 4:37 p.m. |

3/11/03 email to c.: what's going on?
Hi there,
Trying not to let the worrying or paranoia get out of control, but some sort of reply would help ;)
Miss you,
M.

3/12/03 reply from c. (about fucking time)
Hi M.,

I'm not sure what to say to you because frankly, I feel pretty wary. You worry the hell out of me and I don't feel inclined to have an exchange of emails in which I pretend to feel otherwise. I appreciate your dislike of my "therapist" response, but much as you and I might resent or regret it, that's what I am. I certainly don't want to step on D's toes in any way. My spontaneous responses to your are poorly tolerated by you, because they are reflective of my anger and frustration and my conviction that you could be doing a hell of a lot more to help yourself. If I am wrong about that, I sincerely apologize--I truly don't know what is best or what you are capable of doing at this point in time.

I don't know how to respond in a way that will feel genuine to me and supportive to you.

With love and best wishes,
C.

forwarded above to d. to avoid having to paraphrase during our session the next day, but she didn't check her email in the meantime. bah.

03/15/03 email to d.: a few things...
Hello...

1--So the thing I was debating on is...that I've been throwing up. This has been a relatively rare occurrence until the past week, when its suddenly been at least daily. An 'interesting' side-effect of sorts of having a bit more energy. Or at least thats what I'm attributing it to, as nothing really happened to particularly trigger it. As for my difficulty in deciding whether or not to tell you this, well...First, I was questioning why I was even considering doing so, which granted doesn't sound quite right. But, big surprise, it has something to do C., and an issue we once had about 'lies of omission', which resulted in my still feeling an annoying compulsion to 'confess' these sorts of things. Ok, thats not such a bad thing obviously, but in this case, I just felt sort of suspicious about what I was trying to prove and to who. Second, there was the 'ED' part of my brain that seeks to protect and reinforce itself and wants me to keep my damn mouth shut. I suppose the feeling that 'whats the big damn deal anyway?' comes from the same place...

2--Any news/progress on the psychiatrist front?

3--Curious if, having a chance to read it, you have any other thoughts on the email I forwarded you...

Blah as usual,
M.

reply from d.
M,
Let me just write a brief note and we can talk more tomorrow. The psychiatrist front is dismal. I have had 3 people tell me their practice is full. Still searching... Time to call St., I think.

In terms of your telling me you've been throwing-up -- I think it is very important that you tell me what is going on with you for all sorts of reasons. I'm glad you decided to in this case, of course, and I want to know more about your experience and feelings. I hope you feel like you can tell me more when we meet.

In terms of C's letter, I read it a couple of times and I thought it would be a hard letter to get, but also seemed in line with how you've described her -- very honest and direct, and wanting the same in return. We should talk more about it. I imagine it having a big effect on you and I'd like to hear what you've been thinking and feeling.

I'll see you tomorrow.
D.

oh yeah can't wait. blah. still need to write back to c...