// i don't know.
| 04/24/2003 - 8:05 p.m. |

sigh. tired, sad SIGH.
where to start, what to say...i have so few words generally, and yet they all feel so repetitive.
and at the same time, still so jumbled in my head.
i just hurt so bad, so fucking bad. and i don't know how to make it stop.
blocking it all out just backfires in the long-run, i know this.
increasingly it doesn't even seem to work in the short-run anyway.
my numbing skills are as exhausted as any other.
i guess i'm supposed to stop running and "deal" with it.
but what the fuck does that mean anyway?
ugh, i just don't know. about anything.
i'm just fucking terrified. of everything.

right now: i'm sitting here crying.
and the only thing i really want is to be hugged and held.
i just want someone in the world that will make me feel not so fucking alone.
help it not be so damn painful and scary and unsafe, just to exist, in this moment in my own skin.
so fucking human, so fucking simple, so fucking fundamental...so fucking impossible.

i feel so broken, on so many and such basic levels.
i still don't know why.
why my brain refuses to work right, if at all.
why my heart just ACHES so intensely and continuously.
why after all the work to fix myself...everything shattered fucking again.
its been so, so, SO long now...
but fuck, i actually had some semblance of a life worth living for a while there, once upon a time.
i thought i did anyway.

c. mentioned in her last email "that [spiritual] void that you so frequently identified in your life"
its just one big cruel joke i think. life in general. mine specifically.
given that "spiritual void" i don't know who or what is responsible.
its not very funny though, thats for damn sure.
this thing called life taunting me, pretending it has meaning and potential.
masquerading as an endeavor that entails something besides pain and loneliness and hurt and fear.
as if enduring all the shit will lead to anything but more of the same.

i'm trying to endure. trying to hold on, despite having nothing and no one to hold on to.
trying to take a step forward, a step up, a step out. and another.
and every damn time tripping over my own damn feet.
and there i go, tumbling backwards, smashing into every rock along the way.

so tired of it. all of it.
words are so fucking inadequate.
much like myself.
i don't know.