// other shit and blah
| 04/21/2003 - 11:28 p.m. |

...written over several of my hourly cig 'breaks'...

8pm--But, right now, I've got all this anxiety still, and no where to go with it but all the other "stuff" and fears and other shit and blah :(

That was the end of my email to D. earlier, after our session this afternoon and following that the meet-up with tf-ers not happening after all. Just got a short reply a few minutes ago. And it was fine...but left me *wanting*. Ugh, I so hate wanting. I guess the "'stuff' and fears" was referring to things we'd talked about earlier, all the 'what ifs': what if meds don't end up helping after all? what if I still can't go back to school? what if I have to move back 'home'? WHAT IF I/IT NEVER EVER GET/S BETTER???

9pm--But the "other shit and blah," besides being oh so eloquent in itself , was really about things I didn't/don't/can't/won't say, about the even deeper anxiety that is loneliness, wanting, and yes, feeling so damn needy. That has all been triggered as well these last days. The 'missing C. syndrome' is part of it of course. Trying to decipher her again-non-existent replies to my last few emails. Listened to the mix I made her (for xmas) over the weekend, again choking up at that stupid Cyndi Lauper song, "I want a mom that will last forever," wahhhhh.

10pm--But its not just C. Part of the "what if I have to move back 'home'?" thing is what I would be leaving behind here. Well, in one way a lot of different things, but its not like I feel right now like I have them anyway. The only thing or person that makes the scenery on this coast any different currently is D.

11pm--...snippets from an aim convo. with s. last week...

...well, i do like her and everything...i still don't want to feel any more attached than that...

...i think its better this way really...

...i don't want her like invading my brain, thinking about her all the time, her voice in my head, etc., like with c...less intensity can be good ya know...

All of that is true, both in terms of my thoughts/feelings and how it actually is. But it nevertheless hurts to think of losing the 'relationship,' because I have so little else in my life. And despite myself, there remains an annoying longing for something, I don't know what, something else, something more, something...I write this with a voice in my head telling me to express it, get it out, but for fuck's sake, don't share it. But I will, I know I will. I know in the end, after typing it up and posting it in my journal (paradoxically "sharing" it with the whole damn world I know, but somehow it still feels more safe and anonymous), I will do the old copy & paste and email this all anyway. And as usual I won't really know why, but I'll go with it, and feel supremely uncomfortable about it, and inevitably disappointed because I don't know what the fuck it is that I want, only that I do, and blah blah blah. And I've gone off-topic now, also predictable, so I might as well go back inside, get it all over with, and escape to bed...