// if/then
| 07/30/2003 - 11:35 a.m. |

email from C., Tues, 07-29-2003, 5pm, Subject: re: hihi
Hi M.,

I am clear about what it is that you do not want--I am not clear about what it is that you do want. I gather that you are waiting for a response from me?

I look forward to hearing from you.

C.


part of yesterday�s (7/29), 5:55pm, journal scribbles to try and get me started on responding
What do I want?

That is the question C., it seems, will not allow to go unanswered.

And I so don't know how to answer it.

There are all the 'unhealthy' things--extreme emaciation and death pretty much cover those.

There is the constant, non-specific, all-encompassing CRAVING for HER.
[[today (7/30), 11:34pm�This is the basic truth. And I partly feel like the rest of this is all about me doing some little dance for her, trying to seduce her, or prove my �worth� or something. Because I think all I really want is to keep doing what I�m doing, but manipulate her into giving me all of the old love and care and comfort and affection as my last dying wish or something.]]

But I know neither is an answer to what she's actually asking.


email to C., Tues 07-30-2003, 11:14pm, Subject: if/then
Hi...

>I gather that you are waiting for a response from me?<

Wellll, yeah. But I'm getting the point a non-cryptic one isn't coming right now, eh?

>I am clear about what it is that you do not want--I am not clear about what it is that you do want.<

Ya know, 'what is your plan?' HAD replaced 'what do you want?' as my mostest favoritest question...but the latter just might be making a comeback.
*requisite sigh*

And I'm guessing 'I don't know' is less of an acceptable answer than ever...

But I am genuinely struggling to really process it.
I am so convinced that I can *have* nothing...the mechanism of *wanting* anything so shut off.

I know that to come up with an actual answer(s), a major effort to suspend disbelief on my part is necessary--to work from the assumption that I want/am capable of getting better, that I could want and get things that would serve that end, that I have the capacity to receive/'take' in anything at all.
Its hard to make that shift in thinking.

**I don't know what you are capable/willing to �give.'**

I know that my fears and hypothetical wants are all kinds of mixed-up and overlapping with each other.

From experience, I can predict/know a few things that would likely inevitably occur were I to work with you:

One--I would start to *feel* again.
Everything for me right now is about the fact that I feel nothing and don't want to feel anything.
I mean, currently, I don't actually even want to die all *that* much, relative to the intensity with which I consistently have for the past 1 1/2 years.
I don't register wanting, feeling, caring about anything, and comparatively speaking it doesn't seem so bad.
Yet, I know how you tend to affect me.
I can imagine being suddenly and overwhelmingly slammed by it all.
Why would *anyone* *want* that?
Except if I want to work with you again, which apparently I do, then I must want to feel too???

Two--I might feel something approaching a bit of hope.
I've had damn well enough of hoping.
The disappointment which unfailing follows such naivete only gets more bitter and devastating each time I allow myself the delusion.
And yet I have already clearly allowed myself some hope in this matter, I have allowed myself to make an effort to see if this is at all possible, I have in unguarded moments had both daydreams and nightmares of its actuality.
Which means probably that for one reason or another, this whole little back-and-forth 'negotiation'-like thing is doomed.
But let's just pretend for a moment that in this one instance the pigs get off the ground--what else might you 'make' me hope for, hope of??
Why would I want the set-up?
Except that if I want to work with you again, which apparently I do, than I must want to hope too???

Three--I might encounter some desire to live again...

And so it goes.
I have no idea if the question I'm *trying* to answer is even the one you're asking, let alone if I'm *actually* answering it.
Feedback? Please...

???,
M.


Got a read receipt at 9:35am.


Really bizarre, frightening dream(s) last night.
Why has my father�s side of the family been making so many appearances in my sleep lately??
We were essentially all playing this suicide game with sharks.
And kept on doing it even as people were getting mauled and killed.
And either particularly coincidental or I don�t know what, my aunt K. �lost� on purpose�
--The wacked connection being that my *aunt* C. often, and again in an email the other day, misspells *C.�s* name this way.
???