// inhibitions (part 1?)
| 07/27/2003 - 3:50 p.m. |

====~~

Was just sitting upstairs, playing spider solitaire, mind wandering...
and I realized that I am pretty pissed at ** afterall.

Well, I don't really think at her so much as the situation or the comparison with mine.

It's something about the fact that she had the *guts* to make an attempt.
I am SO very grateful that it wasn't successful, but I can't help but begrudge her lack of inhibitions.

Cuz here I am staying alive for these people goddamnit, and they have no conception of what a sacrifice that is, how draining and fucking frustrating to continually fight every desire to not.

Instead they want more--what I give, what I am able to, is not enough.
They continue with these delusions that I somehow don't realize quite how screwed I am, that I give a fuck, that they have the capability to forcefully change it.

Hello!? Have you people never met me before?!
How do you not know that the best guarantee of me not doing what you want is to try and unilaterally push it on me??
Doesn't matter what, or even if I fucking agree, I will fight you to the end.
I'm not claiming this is a particularly positive or healthy personality trait, but it's who I am, it's no secret, and it ain't changing anytime soon--
so use your fucking brains, would ya?

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There may or may not actually be a part 2 to this rant.
Resumption of dropping weight and nutritional status has me feeling fuzzier by the moment.
And I can't really ever predict when and if I get my bursts of words anyway.
*shrug*

No word from C. yet today, btw.

I sent her a quick unsubtle note yesterday...

Sun, 07-27-2003, ~6pm, Subject: hihi
C.
Just wanted to say hi, hope your weekend was nice, and I look forward to hearing from you ;)
Hugs,
M.

...but when I did it through Outlook I kept getting a 'System Administrator Undeliverable' message (??) which makes me think there is something wrong with her email. I ended up using my aol account, but can't get a delivery or read receipt with that, so I dunno.