// out of control (email to d.)
| 05/31/2003 - 10:55 p.m. |

Feel like I should say more, but I'm too tired. Sorry. Probably shouldn't send this at all I feel like. It doesn't/I don't deserve the time, any time, anything. But...Need to go watch movie and cross-stitch (mind-numbing) and then sleep...


7:30pm--I just took ipecac. Am sitting in the bathroom waiting for it to kick in. I am crazy, obviously. Really and truly out of my fucking mind. And scared. So, so, so scared. I brought tweety in with me, my one and only comfort in this pathetic lost life of mine. I want so much to die, but I am also terrified that I may indeed be coming to the end. I just can't do this anymore. Whatever it is I'm doing. I don't know.

Its started working. Waiting for more...And more...I don't feel horribly physically sick. Not at all. Yet. I guess that comes later/soon, when the stomach is completely empty. I forget...Oh yeah, thats right. Just when you think its safe to move, thats when it comes.

Is it the remeron? Its entirely possible for me to have felt this crazy and been this crazy with eating, not, whatever without its assistance probably, but the timing is too suspect for the remeron not to be responsible. And I can't handle it. Yes I know that in trying to fast/starve, I'm going to feel really hungry. But this, the past 2 days, is different. The hunger was overwhelming, out of control, and then when I finally gave in, so too was the need to get the food out. I don't know quite how to explain but it was different. And too much, just too much. I can't do it. But then what? Drug option next, lamictal, is one that takes lots of time to take effect. Not that I've had much if any hope of anything working, but to *know* that I have to wait, too much dammit. Its ALL too much. What in the fuck am I going to do???

8:30pm--Now sitting in room at computer, just transcribed above from paper journal. Physically, strangely ok. Have had several waves of nausea/vomiting, but fine in between. No where near as bad as I remember. Maybe its still to come? Am going to go and smoke now (with trashcan in tow just in case)...

8:43pm--Back. Without incident. Though feeling like another wave may be coming. Random and quite the interesting timing--Good Will Hunting is on Bravo, just switched it on. My fave movie. I always remember the line, "Let the healing begin!", and putting it on that collage I made for C. back in the day...and hugs...and her as my mom...first session scene on right now...and I'm recalling that she didn't see the movie until I gave it to her to borrow...memories...

So panicky just a short time ago. And I am eerily calm now. Glad, but not sure how good it is. What next? I mean right now, tomorrow, next week...next year. Start pondering any one of those questions and I begin to feel crazy and desperate again...--9:04pm

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unsent:
10pm--Fuck. Mind not numbing. Compelled back to computer because...because I don't know. Feeling guilty for having sent last email (for sending any actually, hence here I am writing another. yeah, that makes fucking sense.). I should just let it fucking be but can't seem to. Practically/physically speaking: I'm fine. Will not be taking any remeron tonight. I don't know if its even connected, or anything at all, but I can't handle it and I don't feel like trying to tease it out and and and...and?

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d.'s reply, 10:44pm:
M.
I just read both your emails. I am just so sorry things are so hard and so painful right now. I have many thoughts and ideas but it is late, so let me just say a couple and there will be time to say more Monday. Try to stick with the Remeron for now, because though it seems like the timing is right for it to be the culprit, it is also true that so much is up for you right now that the binge/purge intensity could be related to other things. See if you can wait it out and see what happens. There is much going on between you and me and my speaking frankly with you may have generated mixed feelings -- I know you appreciate honesty, but it may have scared you as well. You are at a critical point now and you have to find a way to depend on me more and that is definitely terrifying. The fact that you are in so much pain and out of control and we have no "plan" that is clear about how to help you is also terrifying. Your poor abused body is also speaking to you. I am thinking about you and hope it gets a little easier tomorrow. Write more if you feel like it.
D.