// morning after (email to d.)
| 06/01/2003 - 3:48 p.m. |

I had started writing and then abandoned yet another email last night before I even got your reply. 10pm--Fuck. Mind not numbing. Compelled back to computer because...because I don't know. Feeling guilty for having sent last email (for sending any actually, hence here I am writing another. yeah, that makes fucking sense.). I should just let it fucking be but can't seem to. Practically/physically speaking: I'm fine. Will not be taking any remeron tonight. I don't know if its even connected, or anything at all, but I can't handle it and I don't feel like trying to tease it out and and and...and?

Now its 6am, fucking light outside, and I've been in and out of bed several times, but yet to sleep. Took 2 otc sleeping pills last night when I was planning to go to bed, but I think they got involuntarily vomited up in a late ipecac-heave before I even got a chance. I took another just an hour ago, and even ate and kept down the pasta leftovers to try and lull myself to escapedom. *Clearly regretting the latter as it has yet to help.* Ugh. What I didn't take was the remeron. The question in my mind (and this, like everything, was so much more eloquent and well-connected in my mind lying in bed earlier) is would I rather a--sabotage myself or b--hinder the current, latest, drive to make said self disappear...

1:30pm--Finally slept some. Just got back up. Message from S., she wants to come visit me...June 11-17. Often when I talk to her, I wish so much she were just *here*, or I *there*. Obviously and varying reasons...yesterday I said something along the lines of "wish we could just be crazy together, and fuck everyone else." Errrr, what exactly that would entail I dunno, but anyways...She was bitching about sister staying a month straight after graduation, now sis seems to have read *someone's* mind, heh, and talking of going home and then coming back. S. is walking finally next weekend, yeahy!, tho still has a final class or two to finish summer term...Brain is quite fuzzy right now, but I just told her "Do it yo! Seriously. Don't give me the chance or time to think too hard about it. I'll/we'll figure out whatever..."

>>There is much going on between you and me and my speaking frankly with you may have generated mixed feelings -- I know you appreciate honesty, but it may have scared you as well...The fact that you are in so much pain and out of control and we have no "plan" that is clear about how to help you is also terrifying.

Well, the lack of such a "plan" is hardly new. And as I said before my memory is blurry, (and maybe totally off), but isn't that all you really said? No plan yourself, don't really know how to help me exactly? Nothing I'm not/haven't been aware of. Sure, it'd be nice if it were otherwise, but hardly realistic, me being well *me* and like *this*...

>>You are at a critical point now and you have to find a way to depend on me more and that is definitely terrifying.

More?...Too much already.

...Eck, trying to write, can't get anything out thats not completely cryptic. Just all confuzzled. Letting it go for the moment...