// A copy of my latest letter to c...
| 09/13/2002 - 4:30 p.m. |

because I always forget what the hell I wrote. Grrrr--get email dammit!!!

9/12/2002
*SIGH* Warning that I am in a rotten miserable mood right now...Anyways--
Hi there,
You must remember this stationary, right? (Note: It's this tweety paper that I used to write looonnng ass letters to her on back in the day...) I didn't think I still had it, but then I just found a whole pad and box of envelopes at the bottom of a box filled with Tweety stuff. Speaking of tweety, my mom sent me a bunch of stuff for my, uh, BDAY (we'll get to that soon)--a tweety watch, tweety pillowcases...and the rest of the box was goddamn junk food: brownies, cookies, Snickers. Naturally, that was all I ate for the next 48 hrs, plowing through the whole lot of it. And she plays ignorant as to why that is not such a *good* thing or why food is like not the most appropriate gift for me. BLAH. Anyways, with that exception, my eating has started to stabilize. I've finally stopped restricting for the most part and once I did that, the bingeing became minimal as well--yeah, I know, funny how that works :-P But now my mood is way out of wack again--grrrr, I cannot seem to fucking win. Without starvation's numbing effect, well pretty much everything feels like too much. Too much loneliness. Too much feeling like a big fat loser as school starts without me. Too much anxiety over all the shit I need to do and keep neglecting anyway. And yes, clearly way too much fucking self pity. And then there was my bday...As you well know, its an occasion I already had my share of issues with. And if I'm in a not-so-good place @ this time of the year, the bday stuff inevitably makes it worse. And now the day is "9/11" when this horrible tragedy happened and for that matter is even obscured for me because I have found the political and media, etc. responses so scary and immoral and etc., etc. But I digress--point is I was miserable anticipating the day, miserable during it, and still miserable in its aftermath. And this was without even being as stubborn as I was tempted to be about letting family and friends acknowledge/"celebrate" it! What I was really hoping for was to hear from you, *sigh*, even tho I knew it was unlikely and I only ended up making myself sadder. Damn, I'm good at that...

9/13/02
...I woke up around 4am this morning and it took me a good 2 hours to get back to sleep because I couldn't shut up the internal dialogue in my head. It was covering every topic imaginable (including sending/this letter) but the gist of it goes something like this--

"Whiny, stupid, lazy, pathetic, immature, unlovable, ugly, fat, failure, bitch, etc., et al., and so on" "If you would just shut the hell up and leave the fuck alone, then maybe I'd have the energy to prove you wrong asshole"

Then there was the 3rd "me" who just laid and listened and cried. The 1st was the loudest tho--again. Its like just when I thought I had at least neutralized the demon, there he is kicking my ass again--BAM! "ha ha, SUCKER!" I'm scared...

Soooo, how the hell are YOU? I'm trying to restrain my pissiness on the subject, but I've gotta say this letter-writing thing (or lack thereof) is...well I'm having a hard time with the lack of contact. *Sigh again* I just so badly want to talk to you, hear from you, something and right now. Hell, just hearing your voice on your voice mail message would be nice, but I don't have your work #. Ok, I guess I'm done bitching now...Please be in touch soon?...

Love and miss you--
M.