// magic pills
| 03/22/2004 - 6:54 p.m. |

Mon 3-22-04, 2:50pm

Meeting w/ Pat @ 3.

*Finally* called frew this afternoon.
Talked to Jen, that 1st chic I'd been in contact w/ in Aug.
After some confusion, got Rosenberg as a "referral".
Jen left a message for her.
I will do so today or tomorrow.
So, generally feeling quite shitty, but a little up @ the moment, just having gotten that task over with.

Last session w/ Pat was more of the same q+a 'getting to know me' stuff.
We covered the "dad issue," my '97 hospitalizations...
I forget.
Oh surprise.

Oh, a little of my puter/online activities--
+ why I'm (still) so drawn to ED stuff.

At the end, were talking about my hopelessness, what do I want for myself, etc.
Pat suggested an interesting exercise--
[[after asking what if I woke up tomorrow + *wasn't* depressed, was "better" for real, + for the foreseeable future at least--
what would I do? how would it feel?]]
--to write my desired future, a story sort of, imagine what I...
(5:25pm) ...would want it to be like.
Or even take it a step furthur + pretend I had the "magic pill" that would guarantee my *permanent* freedom from depression, + write the story from that perspective.

Both the waking up tomorrow "healthy" + the magic pill concepts struck me.
I mean theoretically to NOT be depressed is my greatest wish.
Obviously.

But, it is also a pretty frightening idea as well.
Because then I would have to face the reality of the circumstances of my life, + *feel* it w/o the shield of numbness + apathy.
Begin the foreboading tasks of cleaning up the mess, making choices, *goals* even, regarding what I want, how I am going to go about getting those things, + then following through and DOING it.
Taking RISKS again, facing the possibility of FAILURE.

It's been so fucking long since I've been a functioning, productive, LIVING person--
I feel like there is so much, even just "little" things, that I have to essentially relearn.
And all of that, all of that seems so overwhelming + impossibly difficult + generally TERRIFYING from the perspective of my current state.

Surely I would take that fantasy pill, but the choice would not be quite so simple as it would seem on the surface. -5:59pm