// pants on fire
| 03/17/2004 - 10:27 p.m. |

PM to S., Fri 3-12-04, re: :0(
"just got home.
had a 11am appt at the frew in bryn mawr, w/the leader [Cindy] of a weekly group on tues nights i got referred to. just to get acquainted or whatever, see if the group would be a good 'fit.'
looks like i'm starting next week.
usual anxiety, i dunno, think it could be good "

"...anyways, then i stopped at borders, got lost in there for like 2 hours. typical.

"and just got home.

"in other words, i'm tiiiired, and feel like i've had my quota of stimulation and speech for the day.
"

"...i feel like i sure as hell should be [lonely] myself...but i'm yet again in zoned-out numb m. land.


"blah, i dunno.
you *know* i love you, even if i am a sucky friend..."



Mon 3-15-04, 9:25am
2nd session w/ Pat [@9:30]. ANXIOUS. Haven't done shit in the past week+.
Haven't gotten a reply from C. Hmm, wonder if Pat has talked to her?



Tue 3-16-04 4:52pm
Wellll, just got a call that group was cancelled. In part due to the weather/snow/sleet + 2 people had cancelled for other reasons. So it just would have been me. Cindy was like you could still come if you wanted--uh, no thanks, I'll wait until next week. Are you sure? Oh Yeah. heh.



Wed, 3-17-04, 9:15pm
So not doing so good.
Since Renfrew, just slipped back into my avoidant zombie-ish isolation space--like t.h.a.t., so easy.
And it gets worse by the day.

Been ridiculously obsessing over/adding more insane amts of stuff to EDR.
Can't.deal.with.anything.outside.my.little.claustrophic.box.
Not doing the little but important stuff I need to--like calling Frew so I can set up w/ Rosenberg--can't deal.
No reason, just can't.

I've blown off S. repeatedly (and then some)--[example 1]. God I'm a bitch. And then I have the NERVE to [examples 2,3,4]. Like I said, I'm a bitch.


Another session w/ Pat tomorrow morning. Rather scared of myself, what kind of mood I might show up in.

Never did write about Monday...well, no, Pat hadn't talked to C., or anyone else. I didn't really think she would have--I was basically the last person she saw before her week off + the 1st when she returned.

Typically, still no word from C. + I haven't written her at all either.

Anyway, the session was pretty much a continuation of the 1st, assessment-ish.
Oh, + got off to a nice start by putting my foot in my mouth + so having to tell the "scariest day" story--which basically makes me sound seriously out-of-my-mind (which I suppose I was...).
She asked if I'd called the doctor she recommended--yeah right.
Why didn't I want to?
'Well, I've long/always hated doctors + blahblahblah + the last time I was in a doctor's office, it was one of the worst days of my life.'


What else?...Remember there was the sexuality + relationships part--always one of my faves.
Mom's eating "issues" + my aunts' briefly.
Ummm, thats all I recall.

I realized as soon as I left almost that I'd been in a *particularly* oblivious sort of state.
Like taking in absolutely nothing about my surroundings--had not the slightest clue what she'd been wearing for example.
Don't really have any awareness of myself too when I'm like that--hard to explain.
Things like sitting in a position I normally don't; not really *thinking* about what I say as I usually would; + of course the whole hour near immediately seeming just a big blur.
I dunno. Again, hard to explain/describe.


Oh, I did just remember that I lied about the pills--AGAIN.
Have lost count now how many times I've done so now--
between insisting to all who asked that I'd thrown them away + then it terms of "symptoms" now.
...Purging? no. Laxatives? no. Diet pills? no...LIAR.
Fuck I took a Stacker the day I left [frew] before I even got out of the parking lot.
Might as well have just spit in Tacie's face (+ Rosenberg's + so on).
Yeah, the Stackers are the only "bad" stuff I've taken, only like 2 a day usually.
But LIAR.
Hah, + I estimated my daily intake @ 1800 cals.
Like once in the past week I've eaten that much.
LIIIAAAR.