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// The Debate That Shoulda Been
| 12/07/2004 - 10:02 p.m. |
my script for creative writing class...twas performed tues, 12/7/04
THE DEBATE THAT SHOULDA BEEN
Cast of Characters
George Bush: Current President of the United States, Republican, running for reelection. Has poor grasp on the English language. Two primary facial expressions: the deer-caught-in-headlights look and the pasted-on "grins like fool."John Kerry: Democratic Senator from Massachusetts, running for President. Generally well spoken, polished, confident; but loses composure as debate progresses.
Ani Difranco: Frequently touring folk singer/songwriter/guitarist, and poet. Owns independent label, Righteous Babe Records. Very politically progressive. Demeanor is casual. Comfortable in front of a crowd, outspoken, spontaneous, quick to laugh--but has little patience for Kerry and, especially, Bush. As a songwriter and poet, her pattern of speech is often of a rhythmic quality, especially when lines are actually her own lyrics.**
Setting
A presidential debate, in the fall of 2004, between Bush and Kerry. Moderated by Ani Difranco.Props
Long table -- Bush and Kerry will take their places here, per Ani's introduction. Kerry stands at the center of table. Bush stands several feet to the right of table.Chair -- placed on other side of the stage than table, originally facing audience.
Ruler -- Ani frequently smacks it on (top of the back of) the chair while moderating.
~~~~~~~~~~
Ani: [enters room, already has ruler in hand; turns chair around, puts foot up on the seat]
Good evening, folks. I'm folk singer and songwriter Ani Difranco. If you are not familiar with my work, well, [laughing; shakes ruler at audience] shame on you.
Anyway...I welcome you here tonight for the Presidential "Debate That Shoulda Been." Because there is only one rule: I, on behalf of all Righteous Babes the world over, am in charge. [smacks ruler on chair] Oh, yeah!
Now--let's meet the candidates.
Bush: [enters room, takes place at table, standing]
Ani: On your far right is Mr. President-Appointed, George Bush.
Bush: [deer-in-headlights look] It's uh, it's, uh, a pleasure to, uh, be here.
Ani: You might also know him as that "blue blood royal son, who stole the oval office, and that phony elec-tion."**
Bush: [grins like fool]
Kerry: [enters room, takes place, standing, at table]
Ani: On your barely left of center is Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts.
Kerry: Thank you, Ms. Difranco, for that gracious welcome. Fellow citizens, I am proud--[interrupted by Ani]
Ani: [interrupts Kerry by smacking ruler on chair] You could also call him Mr. Just-another-rich-white-man, but hey--at least HE has an IQ in the triple digits.
Bush: [grins like fool]
Ani: Alrighty then. First topic, boys, is stem-cell research. Dubya, you may, unfortunately, speak.
Bush: Well, you know, we have to, uh, we have to promote, a, uh, culture of life in, like, our country.
Ani: A culture of life? [to audience] Is he for real??
One hundred and fifty-two. That is how many people the state executed during your five-year reign-of-terror in Texas. Would you, like, care to explain that hypocrisy??
Bush: [deer-in-headlights look] Well, I uh, I uh...
Kerry: Ms. Difranco, if I may speak.
Ani: Go for it, John-boy.
Kerry: Mr. President, I, like so many of my fellow citizens, am additionally very concerned about the loss of life among our noble men and women in uniform, serving this great country in Iraq. [Speaks directly to audience] It's the wrong war, in the wrong place, at the wrong time! Isn't that right, ladies and gentlemen!?! [interrupted by Bush]
Bush: [flings arm in Kerry's direction] He's a flip-flopper! He flip-flops! Flip-flopper!
Kerry: [clears throat] With all due respect, Mr. -- [interrupted by Bush]
Bush: [interrupts Kerry] You flip-flop! You're a flip-flopper!
Kerry: [smacks hand on table] I am not!
Bush: Are too!
Kerry: Am not!
Bush: Are too!
Kerry: Am not!
Ani: [raps ruler repeatedly] SHUT UP! Shut up, shut up, and SHUT UP!
Bush: [mutters at Kerry] Flip-flopper.
Ani: [smacks ruler] That means you, ya "prep-school punk"!**
[speaks directly to audience] Dude, I ain�t got time for these fools. I have a gig to go play.
Once again, guys and gals, your candidates for President of the United States of America. [shakes head] May goddess have mercy on us.
[Gives peace sign gesture to the audience as she exits.]
Kerry: [bows and quickly exits with head down]
Bush: [grins like fool] God bless America! [salutes as he exits]
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**Lyrics from poem/song, "Self Evident," on album So Much Shouting, So Much Laughter (2002).