// "not a viable option"
| 02/14/2004 - 2:20 p.m. |

2-13-04, Friday, 1:13pm
Yesterday [2/12]�gave Tacie my journal entries from �the scariest day� w/a brief note. I don�t quite know WHY???

The day before [2/11], we had a session, she had finally talked to C�*sigh*

Tacie asked about �that day��I didn�t want to get into it, + she did let it go.

That night, WHY?, I felt compelled to go through my journal + such from that time period, and, WHY?, kept going back + forth with the idea of giving some of it to her to read.

Yesterday, just randomly decided to go for it. See her @ 2:30 today�anxious. In terms of the journal stuff, my thought was along the lines of giving her the info, since she�d asked about it, w/o me having to try + talk about it/explain it, + w/o it taking up any of our limited time. But she could also have a zillion questions, comments, etc., to it (I gave her 8 pages, from that 1 day) that I might very well not be real keen on discussing.

And there is so much other shit up as well�
Ugh.

Like I said, Tacie + C. finally talked + we only just started to discuss it all + what they talked about on Wed�

2-14-04, Saturday, 10am Group
�at this moment, I forget what we actually did cover, + I�m starting this �stream of consciousness� task for group so I don�t have the time to focus my attention on recalling.

But I know as I was leaving I said, �oh, did she tell you I�ve been begging her for 6 months to work with me again?�

Tacie responded with something like, �well, she definitely didn�t use the term begging, but�[lalala]�I do have some thoughts, will give you my 2cents on Friday.�
Oh great.

So I wrote C. a brief email Wed night, just hey + I�m too tired to write much, but just hey basically. But my internet connection is doing that weird thing, for several days now, where I can be online but can�t do anything that requires *sending info*, whether email, posting blog/journal entries + so on. And it seems the only thing to do is wait for it to start working again. So anyways, email didn�t go through.


Email to C., 2-11-04 pm, Subject: day upon day (undelivered due to sending errors)
hi there lady,

yo, i hear you still play a mean game of phone tag, eh?
heh.

so, i know you and tacie finally talked.
she and i only got a chance to talk about it briefly today.
a lot more she wants to tell me/talk about...friday i guess.
but obviously, very curious to hear from you, thoughts, etc...

never did give you the bitch-fest on my 'residential' experience i know.
and there's already plenty more to talk about since...
but i'm basically completely DRAINED and exhausted and just DONE by the time I get home each day.
flit around on the computer for a few hours, but thoroughly unfocused, eat at some point, and go to bed, no lie, BY 8pm.
drag myself up early next morning, struggle and wage my way through another Renfrew day, and crash again.

it's been intense for sure, 'up' + down + all over the place.
understatements.
right now, i honestly don't know 'where' the hell i'm at...

anyways, wondering how you are doing as always. and missin' ya and **hugs** and so on.

trudging on,
m.


Thurs, I was just especially miserable all day, no in particular reason. I was still feeling triggered or whatever about my meal plan going up + I did end up basically not eating that night. I also had an email from C. finally, that evening, that wasn�t really �bad,� nor was what she said really unexpected, but nevertheless it was finally said�resuming therapy with her is �not a viable option.�


Email from C., Thu, 2-12-04, 5:05pm, Subject: re: home!
M.,

I did finally have an opportunity to speak with your therapist. She confirmed what I already knew from you--that your are having a very, very difficult time. In spite of that, it was reassuring to hear from her. It is clear to me that, as hard as it is for you, you are on the right track and in good hands.

Taci shared with me the recommendations for your ongoing treatment and expressed concern that I have not been clear with you about the question of resuming a therapeutic relationship.

I fully support the recommendations of your providers at Renfrew. It is to your credit that you got yourself there and I sincerely hope that your will continue in treatment there in accordance with their recommendations. The physical proximity and availability of a continuum of care with the experts in the field is clearly in your best interest. The resumption of therapy with me is not a viable option.

M., I know that this is very hard to hear and that you have very separate and different notions of your best interests from that of others.

With affection and best wishes,

C.


I didn�t even know how to react at first. After reading probably 6 times, I did start crying + feeling a whole mess of jumbled shitiness��(end of group writing time)

1:20pm--�hopelessness, sadness, anger, fear, hopelessness, etc. Then I shut down + went to bed.

Friday (the 13th) morning, remembered while in the shower that it was C.�s b-day. Tried to send another email before leaving for the day saying I wasn�t yet up for responding at all about anything, but wishing her a happy b-day. Email still not working tho, so I�ve yet to get any message to her. Also wore my WCRC t-shirt as a tribute to some extent, but probably more so just to torture myself.
*roll*�


email to C., Fri, 2-13-04, 6:53am, Subject: nevertheless (undelivered due to sending errors)
i'm much too...much of too many things to reply at all right now.
but nevertheless, you are still my mostest favoritest old lady,
and i wish you another glorious candle on your chocolate-chocolate cake.
i.e., HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

:-P, :-P, and hugs--
m.