// before, after, & other adventures *long*
| 06/19/2003 - 10:11 p.m. |

*usual collection of emails and previously written ramblings*

6-10-03, forwarded email to d: re: the trip...
D--
Feeling like I was a bit um, I don't know exactly, reactive or melodramatic or yeah, I'm not sure what, just *something*, earlier. Maybe this email I sent to S. is a better indicator of where my head is really at with this stuff. Or maybe not. I don't know. Sharing it anyway. Whatever.
--M.

...as far as ed/food stuff...oy. i don't know where the fuck i'm at, to be honest. clearly i'm not going to keep up the same bullshit like i've been doing recently (either straight fasting or might-as-well-be) when you are here. believe me, it would be fair to *neither* of us.

beyond that, i'm ambivalent. when i "play it normal", its really as much for myself as the "audience"--i mean goddamn keeping up this e.d. crap is stressful, and miserable, and an "excuse" to let it go for at least a little while, and get to fucking EAT

(cripes, i'm ravenous at the moment--i just spent waaaayyy too long at the drug store, walking up and down the aisles of junk food, torturing myself--oddly the big thing that convinced me not to just go ahead and b/p was that i joined in a one-week-no-purging thread in The Purg?!? lol),

and just the presence of another person or being out of my usual constricted little world is usually enough to make me say fuck it, way too much and not worth the effort to sustain the denial.

of course, then there are all the reasons i've been starving or whatever in the first place and what i'm trying to "accomplish" with it (neither of which i particularly understand myself mind you) and the frustration at being "interrupted". of course, i've been getting an increasing amount of flak and uh "responsiveness" from D., the shrink, and now we'll see from the physician--w/whom an appt was made FOR ME for Mon. grrrr. so perhaps if you and i can just let it go, it'll shut them up some.

i know i'm rambling, not making a whole lot of sense. i guess what i'm saying is 'acceptance' is always appreciated, but, and i can't make any promises right this minute, it *would* be kinda cool to turn it all the fuck off for a bit and indulge ourselves (to whatever extent we genuinely want to), eh? i guess that goes for 'activity' as well as eating actually--probably nothin crazy, but i hope to have the energy and stuff for us to like actually leave the house and shit ;)

other than that, well, i'm just really looking forward to seeing you!!...

reply from d.
M.
I read your letter to S., and I do have a better sense of what's going on with you now. I also see the conflict you are always in -- eat/not eat, care/not care, need/not need, etc. Must be exhausting for you. I talk with you more on Thursday about it all.
Have fun with S. in the meantime.
D.

~~~~~~~~~~

6-12-03, email to c.: hi
Hey,
My last email was rather intense I know, just wanting to say hi here and give a little update...

Had another shrink appt this week. Meds the same for now (the effexor, and lamictal, which I'm increasing every 4 days till I get to the 'therapeutic level' whatever it will be), but he was um, freaking out a bit over my weight and nutritional status, understandably I suppose but still unnecessarily in my humble opinion, but anyways, I now have a physician's appt (which I *was* planning to make already myself, at D's request of course, but he wanted to set it up himself right then) for Mon.

S. is here right now, got in about 24 hours ago, and the food thing, well its already been complicated, but we are doing our best to negotiate it together...and at this rate, I'm going to be 10 lbs heavier by the time I get on the damn doctor's scale, and I'm really barely exaggerating if at all.

I'm sure you can imagine that I could rant about the weight issue for hours here, but I'll spare us both. I will say that 1--I know my thinking regarding and emphasis on it right now is all kinds of screwy, 2--I am aware of at least some of what its really about, levels of meaning, etc., 3--Neither of those things changes how I *feel*, emotionally OR in my physical experience. Oh, and 4--for the record, my weight isn't/wasn't/won't be THAT low and there is no evidence of any health problems.

And by the way, I can see YOU rolling your eyes all over the place. :-P

Hmm, what else? I've been seeing D. even more often recently, 3x a week for the last 2. And its actually been going rather well, not that I'm actually any the better for it...Like I said, the food stuff w/S. is difficult, but overall its really good to just BE with her. She's been *doing* more stably, but her state of mind is quite similar, sometimes uncannily so, to my own. Which makes me sad, but at least we both "get it" and can listen and not feel so compelled to have to try and make it better...

Eh, this has gotten much longer than intended. I just wanted to say hi right? Hi.

Thoughts--
M.

reply from c.
Well hi yourself,

I am relieved to hear that you have a Doctor's appointment and that the intensity of the help that you are gettling from D. has been turned-up for now. As for the food and weight thing-well, you have always done your best to downplay these issues but the fact remains that for you and for all the rest of us who care about you, they are (at least in part) front and center.

I will get back to you later. I'm doing the third shift thing here in response to an emergency and I am starting to fade (can't do these all-nighters like I used to).
Take care and keep me posted.
Hugs to you and hi to S.,

C.

~~~~~~~~~~

6-13/14-03, unfinished/unsent (but later shown) email to d.: errrr
Sooooo. Little section below was written last night.

Hi,
I'm drunk. the golden one made me do it.
we ate, we ate, we ate, i puked, we drank.
she just told me i'm short and fat.
ok, no she didn't.
ummm, strange dream last night. me, in various places, continually falling down and passing out. s. thought it sounded scary. i liked it. i was skinny and not eating and people were watching me fall down and not doing anything. i liked it. i think i was in a hospital in part of it. part of it was also in my grandparents' (father's parents) old house and there were various members of that side of family i recognized and a bunch of kids i didn't. and they just watched me stumble on by. did i mention i liked it? and i was realllll skinny. and i liked the falling sensation.

Well, at least I wasn't inebriated enough to send it as is/was.
Yeah, its been an interesting couple of days. In some ways really good, some really hard.
I made such a *thing* out of that first meal with S. When I got back, she'd been writing me a letter. We talked more. It felt better. We devoured a pound of pasta. Went for a walk, were going to get ice cream too, but *thankfully* no place was open because I really needed to just CHILL with the food.
Unfortunately forgot again by the next day.
Yesterday, we went to Telegraph, had a really good lunch at Cafe Intermezzo, then walked and shopped for a long while. Had formulated a plan the night before that we would have ice cream for dinner, get wasted and wreak some havoc around TF. Plan changed to include some real food pre-ice cream, namely pizza. Mmmm, it was good. BUT, this suddenly EATING thing, I get all sorts of loopy. NO concept of balance WHATSOEVER.

~~~~~~~~~~

paper journal, yesterday
1:40pm--Was just about to start writing (at 1pm): What in the FUCK is going on?! when Davis came back in. Was having a damn conference call with D. and McRs. "In my honor" without me in on it. Great. Fucking wonderful all this "concern" is. I've got appointments with all 3 of them next Thurs--that'll be an F-U-N day. My lab tests of course were FINE, "nothing scary." My blood pressure was a little lower than Mon. but fine. Weight down a couple pounds, whatever.

I'm on day 2 of fasting. How long? *shrug* at least going to 3 this time, then I'll see.

Described 3 scenarios to D. yesterday, in response to her wondering how I talk about starving myself to death as if no one will stop me:

1--Say fuck you all, go off/escape/leave and do it anyway.

2--Something changes, I decide/realize I don't really want this, I want/need help, and the threat of 'drastic measures' triggers me to stop or 'acquiesce' to them or something.

3--Say fuck you all, but don't leave, rather fight and 'scream and kick' and defy every step of the way, and throw it in their faces that I will keep it up regardless.

None seem quite right. All both appealing...and not so much. At the moment, all fantasies. I don't really know what I think will happen. I suppose I prefer not to. Just focus on the not eating here and now, breaking next weight, ignore the rest--typical me.

6pm--Finally spending some time in MM, having barely gone into "my" forum for like 2 weeks I think--seriously don't know what THATs all about. Maybe I've actually been bored by my usual obsession?! Hmmm. Anyways, have been merging, moving, cleaning, etc. in there, still have more to do I think, not to mention I should probably catch up on reading the threads too, heh.

8pm--In a "verbally unavailable" sort of mood. Ignoring IMs from J. and S., have emails to write and pics to send still too. And really need to document te "adventures of unquiet and goldenthing" before it fades. And post in fasting. And tackle mail and school decisions and a zillion other things. But I just want to go to sleep, escape from all of the above plus the hunger and food thoughts certainly too. Not in a particularly bad mood, just relatively numbed out.

~~~~~~~~~~

today, email to c.: adventures
Heyyy,
Well, hope you have gotten some sleep since last week! heh.
Time with S. was really good--intense, fun, difficult at times (as we both simple ARE), but all-around *good*.
I've attached a pic that pretty much says it all I think. And you MUST tell me if you can view it or not, because this is seriously a MUST-SEE. mwahahaha.

Doctors appt went fine, although the prospect of it was fucking with my head all weekend I must say, mostly in terms of stupid weight/#s stuff being that I was suddenly EATING a LOT. But whatever I went, I remembered I actually do LIKE her (Dr. Davis.), I got blood tests afterwards, I went *back* on Wed, I'm fine, not a damn thing physically wrong with me. And yet I have yet *another* appt for next Thurs, on the same day I've got a phone session with McRs and usual session with D.--oh thats gonna be an F-U-N day. All the sudden I have a fucking TEAM again, all of them "concerned", and if my tone is not clear, hah, its driving me MAD.

So, anything up with you?? (besides cheering on said team *eyeroll* & :-P)

Hugs--
M.

ps--don't forget to look at the pic!!...sooo, whadya think?? heehee.

~~~~~~~~~~

paper journal, today
11am--Up @ 10 today, quite the reasonable hour *for me*. Back down to pre-S.Visit weight, woohoo. Wrote a long post in fasting last night, sent emails/pic! to aunt c. and then C. and mom this morning. I know I'm really not, but feel just F-I-N-E.

4pm--Session with D. in an hour. A little more info on what went on yesterday would be nice. Sure to get comments on the renewed fasting as well, blah. More talk about death and dying?...Last session--terminal?, right to choose and control, "theoretical space"...

7pm--"Um, so what the hell happened yesterday?": Basically a brief conversation covering my lab results, 'concern', 'options' (ucsf people; BHouse?!--need to check website still, but how 'bout a big fat NO), etc. Still a little pissed I was left pacing in the other room rather than pouting while listening to call, but whatever...

"Yes, you do have a team"...

the brat and "fierceness" vs. "still telling the fucking truth," honest and trustworthy...

feeling I have to be the opposing team and 3-against-1 is not very fair...

ensure! LOL --McRs version of me drinking with D. and being kept away from bathroom (are you KIDDING me?! and re: my non-sneakiness) vs. not so out of the realm of possibilities, my associations with it being symptomatic as much as tx and didn't get around to mentioning I'd already been thinking of using it for liquid (though I would "cheat" and freeze it) vs. straight fasting (well, diet soda...and sugar free hard candies which are also "cheating" but hey, I make my own damn rules, heheh, and I digress)...

showed her my new journal/binder project--food porn and depression collage and tweety stickers...

mood "ok", thinking not so much/no less dark

...stopped @ Walgreens on way home for some sleepy pills and ensure, heh (actually generic SlimFast, but really the same thing) but still not "eating" until tomorrow at the earliest.