// fucked
| 07/11/2003 - 7:00 p.m. |

I am so, so fucked.
I mean even more than ever.

Mom is currently en route.
Will be arriving in the wee hours of the morning.

I have done exactly NO-THING to prepare.
I mean not even moved the huge pile of laundry out of my bathroom, which by the way has yet to be even cleaned up from the hair adventure with S. nearly a month ago.
There are about a zillion empty soda and 'slimforless' cans covering my entire desk and elsewhere, and trash and just crap all over my room.
I sure as hell have come nowhere near even considering starting to pack or take care of any logistics at all.

We're supposed to have me completely cleaned out of here to get on the road Tuesday.
As in 3 days.

As in my blood pressure plummets through the floor everytime I stand up and I am blinded by the mass of spots in front of my eyes and dizzy for a good 10 seconds at least.
That I haven't passed out a single time is probably bordering on the miraculous.

Oh yeah, I've been pretty much straight-fasting the past 2 days again, mostly cuz I was too damn lazy to leave the house and restock my "supplements."
The fact that my weight loss has stubbornly stalled again didn't exactly provide any motivation though either.

I really do need to go and do that tonight before mom arrives.
How the fuck I'm going to handle "eating" and "food" over the next week or so, not a clue.

Is my mom even remotely prepared for what I look like I wonder??

But anyways, yeah, the woman is a worker, but she's out of shape with various back, hip, etc. problems, and I'm basically expecting her to do everything for me.
Nice.

Got an email entitled "Ground Rules" from aunt j. a short while ago.
Cc-ed to mom and aunt c. as well.
#1 being some kind of intensive treatment. Period.
And I'm not interested. Period.

...except for this fantasy of C. taking me back.
C., whom I still haven't heard from since all this shit went down.
Wrote her another email today:

so,

yeah.
hope you are off on a nice vacation or getting your new house all settled?
or at least not dealing with any crises.
rather ambivalent about the possibility you just might not be reponding to me, and thats really not even *much* of a lie.
anyways, i'll still be on email until tues. probably.
then i guess just by cell/voice mail while on the road until arriving in philly.
whatever.
taps--
m.

Funny thing is I know the first thing she'd do, on the remote possibility we/I regressed into our previous relationship...
(not that *I* haven't regressed way, WAY beyond that some time ago)
...is throw my ass in a hospital.

In fact she probably would have done exactly as D. did 2 weeks ago.
In fact I do actually know D. did exactly what she should have most likely.
And my hurt and anger, while not unvalid, are indeed evidence of why she didn't see any other choice.

Somehow though, I continue to believe that it simply never would/could have gotten to this point if I'd still been with C.

Summary:
So yeah.
I am so, so fucked.
And I still feel nothing.