// t minus 3
| 07/12/2003 - 9:59 p.m. |

mom arrived about 2:45 this morning.
i was still awake, heard her fumbling with the door, finally got up, said hello, went back to bed.

didn't sleep well, dragged my ass up at 9.

we dawdled for a while.

went out for a bit--

**to lunch(!).
yes, i finally broke my (liquid)fast.
ended up at a cafe.
i ordered a caesar salad, vinagrette dressing (instead of actual caesar), on the side. no lo-cal dressing on the menu, bah.
i pushed the croutons off to the sides, put little drops of the dressing on, picking at the lettuce like a damn anorexic.

finally i got annoyed at *myself*, like wtf, some parmesan cheese is gonna maim me?? grrrr.
so yeah, i ate the rest of it like an actual human being...

and the bread it came with too--at that point, i was *feeling* a little out of control.
i mean take in no actual food for 25 days, don't even particularly want any
...and then of course you eat a little bit, and suddenly feel like you could probably clean out the whole damn restaurant if you had the chance.

the bread was real good tho, so i ate it, and just chilled the fuck out.
i wish my digestive system would do the same. ouch.

**to the u-haul place to get boxes.
and ended up renting one of those trailer things you hook to the back of the car.
soooo still leaving my entire life/future behind, but at least not so much of my material belongings.

**bookstore to get a road atlas.

**walgreen's--got my slimforless and restocked on s.f. candies.

came home, finally started packing eventually.
got a whole lot of shit to do tomorrow.
esp. as mon, am getting the car maintenanced and hitch for the trailer attached.

mom has not commented on weight/appearance.
and thus far is relatively NOT on-my-back about eating.
both much appreciated.
she ordered pizza for dinner. i eventually had a can of slush.
tomorrow they'll be frozen at least.

and having just shitted out 1/2 my insides in the midst of composing this entry...i think perhaps i'll be putting off any more actual eating for a while.