// storm clouds
| 09/03/2003 - 7:05 p.m. |

I�m feeling the depression on a more affective level, closer to the surface or something�I dunno I guess the key word is I�m *feeling* it again to some extent. After all the numbness, the chaos, the calmness, I�ve been sensing the darkness descending again. The clouds have been sort of moving in and out of sight in recent days. At this particular moment they seem to be ominously gathering again.

I doubt my early afternoon b/p helped any. I hadn�t binged in well over a week, hadn't purged in even longer, so I didn�t really feel �badly� about it at all in that sense; it�s just that for me there are as many cons that come with it as psychological benefits, and they pretty much cancel each other out, so really, what�s the fucking point? In addition this was one of those days that my stomach has continued to internally lurch about even after I stopped wrenching stuff from it, and physical discomfort has a way of feeding into any emotional kind already lurking.

So of course I just want to starve it all into oblivion. It�s the only way I know to keep the feeling storms at bay. Regular old �moderate� or whatever restriction just doesn�t cut it. Nor does it do shit to break these goddamn weight plateaus.

Blahhhhh�

~~~~~

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