// the big NO
| 08/08/2003 - 10:53 a.m. |

email to C., Thu, 08-07-2003, Subject: lalala
Hi.
Sorry that I keep bugging you. This nonresponsiveness/waiting thing just drives me a little nuttier than usual ;)
The nonresponsiveness directly so, the waiting by virtue of having nothing to fend off the inquiring masses with.
Anyways...

been hanging out with S. lots. eating mcdonald's ice cream cones and roller-skating.
haha. yeah, we bought these sketchers "4-wheelers" the other day. they were only 20 bucks, couldn't resist.
tried them out yesterday, and I found I had been much mistaken to think my youthful roller skills would come back right away, lol.

we're not constantly in la-la land by the way, we talk about shit too, but s.'s the only 1/2 of us who does the emotionally impacted thing, so *shrug*

chillin--
m.


finally, the *expected* but still devastating reply, Thu, 08-07-2003, 5:18pm
M.,

We don't seem to be communicating very well--the email situation probably does not help. I will be as clear as I can. I am over my head in this new job, working many hours, sleeping very little, worrying lots about the scope of my responsibity and the enormity of the problems for which I am now responsible.
It is hard to see how to incorporate you in the mix, since you too come with vast problems for which I don't feel I have adequate time and energy. Add to this that I have a contract that prohibits me from doing what you are asking. I could try to negotiate this, but I don't know that I can in good faith assure my employers of the time commitment. I can't imagine that what you need/want from me is something that I could provide in an hour a week.
My questions to you were not meant to be obtuse. I was trying to realistically assess what it is that you need and want to see if there is any chance that we can work together at this time.

C.


my first response, Thu, 08-07-2003, 6:11pm
>>I was trying to realistically assess what it is that you need and want to see if there is any chance that we can work together at this time.<<

In other words, no.
Since, 'as clear as you can' still doesn't straight-out say so, I need to put it in writing myself.

Which I knew all along would be the answer.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, why do I allow myself these stupid fantasies?
Because then even when I get the fully expected answer, it still fucking hurts.

Yes, I am actually *feeling* something right now.
I don't like it.

>>since you too come with vast problems for which I don't feel I have adequate time and energy.<<

I *knew* that to be the case.
Shit.

I can't believe I'm fucking crying. Its been months since I even shed a single tear.
I have no idea, none whatsoever, what to do, what I'm going to do.
I simply and absolutely do not want "help" from anyone or anywhere else.

And maybe I'm overreacting right now, so out of practice in dealing with any emotion whatsoever and all, but somehow I feel like this whole thing signals the occurrence of one of my very greatest fears--really and truly losing my connection to you.
Your communications with me have been of such a distant, 'clinical' sort of quality for some time now, which I hate, but I know perfectly well why.
I know that I've done this, that I've broken this relationship that for so long has meant the entire world to me, just like I've broken everything else.
Clearly, you are feeling a tremendous amount of stress right now, which I am very sorry to hear, and of course worry about you taking care of yourself (???)...
but I can't any longer even *beg* a *virtual* hug out of you.
I dunno, is email really responsible in any way for the tenor of our communications?? Or is this just how it is??

...I think I'm beyond the point of being able to make any sense right now. I'm too terrified, too damaged, too I don't know, too much. I am just so so sorry, for everything. I still love you with this intensity that is beyond me, and I miss you at this moment more than ever. Please take care of yourself...


paper scribblings
6:35pm--
Oh God. It hurts so fucking bad.
No, no I can't have my C. back.
No, she will not take care of me, she will not "save" me.
I am too much, not worth it.
She can't, she won't, she doesn't love me.
Not like I love her.
Oh God.
Too much pain, too much feeling.
Go away, go away, oh please go away.
It was my very very very last hope.
Really and absolutely none left now.
Nothing left.
Nothing but more flesh to starve away.

====~~--
There's really nothing to say anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I just want C.
So so so fucking intensely.
And I can't have her.
And it's fucking raining on me and tweety...

7:20pm--
Talked to S. about an hour ago?
Before I started writing I think.
She had just left here before I wrote and sent the email C. replied to, but is coming back over.
I guess she'll be here soon.

I don't know.
I've stopped crying for the moment.
But I'm so fucking scared.
What am I going to do now?
Now that my little fantasy has been officially shot down?

Why couldn't I have that one thing?
The one person I want?
I know I'm a selfish brat, I KNOW.
But why must life prove over and over again how much it sucks.
I get it already, ok?!

Desire is the root of all unhappiness.
And indeed my desire for C. is matched in intensity only by the extreme depths of my misery.

Why, a million times, WHY.


again to C., 08-07-2003, 10:27pm, Subject: why...
...am i starting another email?
i don't actually have anything to say.
there is nothing.
but how desperate i am and feel and this is the only outlet i seem to ever be able to figure--spamming for scraps.

sorry if you got 2 copies of my last one earlier, "re: lalala"
i tried to recall the first one to fix a typo but don't know if that worked or not.
there were 2 rather crucial words missing, the "do not" in: I simply and absolutely do not want "help" from anyone or anywhere else.

not so good--
m.