// locked out
| 08/11/2003 - 5:30 p.m. |

got read receipts late this morning on the last emails to c. from thursday...

Mon, 08-11-2003, 2:31pm, Subject: keys
Dear C.,

Well, I kinda figured I wouldn't get much/any response to my last set of emails. The question of where 'we' stand is still at the forefront for me, and I dunno about the impact of email except that I think it gets under my skin so much at least partly because the nonresponsiveness gig is usually MY deal, thats what I do with nearly everyone else in 'real life' and even under other circumstances online. So being on the other end, whatever the reasons, clearly pushes my buttons a bit (ok, a TON), heh.

S. and I went to the F.I. yesterday. We are such an interesting pair, so similar and contradictory at the same time. Like in terms of our depressions and the extent to which we "get it"...but its sort of odd in that mine is actually more typical of a bipolar-sort, with the depth, severity, length, overall 'dead' quality, while her episodes tend to be more of the anxious, restless, typically-unipolar variety. So we are both pretty damn miserable, but when in each other's presence, we actually manage, live? on some level even. And if she weren't around right now, I probably wouldn't leave the house or talk or do anything at all, but she needs more distraction I guess, and so its mutually beneficial.

Anyways, the F.I....I bought this big iron "key to I.H.," silly $7 souvenir. But I saw it, and immediately thought of our key/box/door ongoing metaphor from way back when. It started with a poem I had written, Monster, Angel, & Me...Do you remember what I'm talking about?? For whatever reason, those memories just surfaced very strongly in that moment, and so of course I had to buy one. Wish I could "give" the key to you again, literally or figuratively...

Sooo...no idea. I have no plans, no idea wtf I'm gonna do in regards to anything at all...

Locked out,
M.

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an appendix of sorts to the above, old journal entries relating to the key, et al...

04-27-1999, 7:35pm
I wrote this poem in class last week and ended up talking about it with C. today�

MONSTER, ANGEL, & ME

There is a monster in my head and in my body
Sometimes it even invades my heart and soul
Those are the scary times
When I disappear
He is mean, evil
Thrives on the hatred, despair, fear, & isolation
He wants me dead
Even better he wants me begging to die

But I am one of the lucky ones
Yes, lucky

Because of her
She is the goddess, my guardian angel
The light in her eyes frightens Him
And no one frightens him
But she can make him cower & hide
She can will him back in the box
Contain him
Then she takes the key from me, scolds me yet again
And loves me and hugs me
And brings me back to life


04-30-1999, 7:40pm
It�s Friday night, it�s been a hard week, I�m exhausted. My session on Tuesday was very emotional, another cry fest. I brought a yogurt with me, but still didn�t have it finished when I left. C. told me I looked pale and �emaciated,� that my weight is probably lower than the scale said. She dug out one of those stupid weight chars and estimated I�m at about 85% of the ideal. Whatever. She seems fully aware though that this whole mess is about us and she is willing to do what needs to be done to pull me out of it. I told her about the poem I�d written, that she was the angel. So she reached out her hand to me and I �gave� her the key. I was deeply touched by the gesture. We talked a lot about my wanting to be a little girl. When I was leaving she held me for a minute and promised that we�ll get through this together.


05-22-1999, 12:15pm
...Tuesday�s session was good, though a little odd. We had this whole key/box/door metaphor going. First, C. was saying how she pictures all the things I don�t want to talk about as being in this box and there ain�t a whole lot of room left. So then we listed like the top 5 things I�m scared of talking about and what my fears are. And then it was this thing that I�ve got the keys and one of them will open the door to get me unstuck and maybe we just have to try all of them. So I told C. to pick a key and she told me I had to pick and I said I�M NOT PICKING. So we were going back and forth why the other one should pick. And C. was probably right but we both know I�m stubborn. In the end though, I think she tricked me into picking one. She was finally just like tell me something about you that I don�t know. So I thought for a minute�this was hard�and finally told her about my first kiss. So we talked about it and then she said you know we never talk about sex. No shit, it�s in the box! But we did then, about how I�m scared of it but I also want it and I feel like the world�s oldest virgin. And C. was saying how I have to learn to allow myself pleasure and also to be ok with not knowing everything. She said sex is about intimacy and passion and letting go. So finally she asked me how it was to talk to her about sex and I was like�EMBARRASSING! It mean it was pretty much talking to my mom about sex, though I didn�t say that to C. So then she goes �Well, I hope you have a really great sex life someday!� Oh my god! She just laughed as I tried to disappear:-) So it was an interesting session and I felt pretty good afterwards...