// the grill
| 05/18/2004 - 7:15 p.m. |

mon, 5/17/04, 2:37pm
(pre-pat)

well, things are better w/ s.
she did want me to come to dinner--
which, i mean, i knew;
i was just feeling so uncomfortable w/ it all.

typically harried, last-minute minute, and indecisive.
but we did finally decide on chestnut grill.
and eventually all got there--
s., me, her mom, my mom, and their old neighbors in mt. whom m. was staying with.

quite an interesting group it was.

s. + i only really talked a little bit, on a smoke break.

i was/still am clearly not up-to-date on whats been going on w/ her.

the actual ordering/eating thing was kinda odd.
like s. + i both got veggie burgers (of course)
but i got mine w/ FRUIT + she chose FRIES as her side.

so totally opposite than usual.

but beyond that--
she had soup + bread.
i had a 1/2 slice of bread
and unequivocally turned down dessert.

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't purposely restricting.
besides my frustration w/ my body's refusal to relinquish so much as an ounce
i remain wary of the potential binge-trigger of a meal out
and/or allowing myself to fully "indulge"
i even took a phen sat. morning as an extra "precaution"

i was definitely concerned about people "noticing"
and i did 'sense' some were 'aware'.
*sigh*


but completely separate from that, i felt--not sure exactly: proud of? happy for?--s.
she seemed at least to be the most comfortable, at ease, etc. eating this sort of meal than i ever recall.
to my mind anyway, a symbol of the fact that she really does appear to be "stable"
much more so than in years.

i suppose i'm a bit jealous in a way?
but mostly just real happy.