// to die or not to die
| 10/27/2002 - 1:35 p.m. |

10-26-02, 4:30pm
Didn't go back to bed, also haven't left the house thus far. Tho I do plan to go pick up my pictures in a bit. Just hanging out online at TF and searching for stuff for my website. Posted everything I've written thus far here on my blogjournal. Talked to s. for a few minutes and mentioned it to her (cuz I didn't feel like explaining my dream, so I was just like 'here, go read it') and she was like--you post your journal online?!...and anyone can read it?! Heheh. I don't think she was really aware of the whole phenomenon. But j. is the only other IRL person who knows about it and I don't think she ever reads it anymore (I haven't looked at hers in ages either). So it actually feels really anonymous. *shrug* What can I say, my paranoia is random, heh.

8pm
I went to get my pictures earlier (as in yes, I made myself leave the fucking house) and they weren't ready. Grrrr.

And later my mom called, babbling as usual (I swear, with few exceptions, my tolerance for phone calls is like 2 minutes tops!) and also asked if I'd followed up on applying at B&Ns, which I not only obviously did not do, but had already completely forgotten about...

Bah, I suck, wish to be dead, yaddah, yaddah. Yeah, this journaling thing is SO much fun...

8:55pm
Ugh. My death wish is not something I particularly want to talk about, but its suddenly at the forefront of my mind (always lurking around there somewhere). What one might refer to as my life right now very seriously blows. Of course I want out. And the fact that I've made this little pledge NOT to act on those feelings only serves to make me feel more hopeless. Because I don't know how to start living again and I feel guilty even making a hypothetical plan for dying. So all I see is an endless breathing hell. (chain smoking here) I don't even know what would be worse tho--a natural lifetime of this or the consequences of breaking my promise/the reasons I made it. Namely that C. would hate me/never forgive me and I can't even picture my mother finding a way to survive. Of course there are others it would hurt, or make eternally angry at me. But they would find a way to go on and for whatever (fucked-up) reason, I could uh, "live" with anyone else hating me, but not C...

10:10pm
Dropped into a particularly shitty mood in the past several hours (duh). Life is pointless...so I'm having the urge to starve again. And fantasizing about "re-teaching" myself how to throw up. And having bones stick out that I've never seen before. As of yet, I'm in no way doing any of this. But wondering why I stopped a few months ago. Oh yeah--starving sucks (and so does my gag reflex.) But I'm still asking why...

10-27-02, 1pm
So I woke up this morning, but there is a sweet little teenage TFer out there who didn't. Died in a hospital, 'sudden' organ failure. I don't really know what to think or say. Its a fucked-up, pointless world, but I already knew that. ???